Twenty Ways to Tell if You're a True Miami Marlins Fan
True Marlins fans are a dying breed. Thanks to one Jeffrey Loria, there are fewer and fewer of them every year. But the remaining hard-core devotees deserve some enormous credit. They've been through the wringer and come out the other side grinning, asking if anyone got a picture of it to post on Instagram. The Fish fans who are left are as real as they get. They love baseball more than you love your pets. The few who show up at the games do so with a smile even though they are fully aware they are entering the house that the greatest Ponzi scheme in the history of South Florida built.
These fans deserve better. They really do. If you find a member of this dying breed, shake their hand and thank them for their service. Here are 20 telltale signs you're a member of that exclusive club of real Miami Marlins fans.
20. Once in a while, you slip up and call the team the Florida Marlins. You're never sorry about it.
19. Teal is a color you've spent more than five seconds thinking about in your life. You own teal clothes.
18. About every five seasons, you ask someone out of the blue: "Hey, remember Chuck Carr?"
17. Dealing with Jeffrey Loria for 15 years has prepared you well for a Donald Trump presidency.
16. Sometimes while cleaning the house, you swing a broom like Gary Sheffield.
15. The Miguel Cabrera trade still hurts so much you try to act like it never happened.
14. Marlins Park is amazing, but sometimes you oddly miss baseball in the blazing, rain-soaked confines of Joe Robbie Stadium.
13. At one point, you've joked you could learn the Charlie Hough knuckleball and make the majors at 39.
12. Watching Craig Counsell cross home plate in Game 7 of the 1997 World Series
11. Your hatred for the New York Mets is borderline unreasonable for a team that's so similarly irrelevant.
10. You could instantly spot Rene Lachemann sipping a rum runner at a bar in Key West.
9. Seven years after Dontrelle Willis was traded, you still wanted the Marlins to bring him back.
7. You know there are three constants in life: death, taxes, and the team drafting a really tall pitcher.
6. Charles Johnson was in many ways the original Udonis Haslem.
5. You know there was a Teal Man before there was a Marlins Man.
4. You know Bret Barberie was the name of the Marlins' original second baseman, not a 1970s porn star.
3. You love Giancarlo Stanton so much a small part of you hopes he gets to play for another team one day.
2. Watching Marlins playoff baseball is your Throwback Thursday post every week.
1. When Jeffrey Loria sells the team, you will take to the streets with pots and pans.
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