Florida Sen. Marco Rubio will probably never be president because he once drank water like a doofus on national television four years ago. The moment, which came during a State of the Union rebuttal, was dissected with Zapruder-film-like intensity, Poland Spring got in on the action, and Rubio cemented his status as a frightened, sweaty weirdo who lost his cool over eight ounces of spring water. DJ, run that back:
Well, politics is a different beast in 2017. Though Rubio wasn't able to take a quick drink on TV four years ago without the entire planet losing its marbles, Donald Trump just took a big swig of Fiji water during a news conference, appeared to possibly have a stroke, sipped from the bottle two-handed like a sad baby person, and will still pal around with dictators like Rodrigo Duterte and Recep Tayyip Erdogan by tomorrow morning.
Trump pauses his speech to take a sip from a bottle of water pic.twitter.com/u1JA0BmaVG— BuzzFeed News (@BuzzFeedNews) November 15, 2017
The Breitbart/4chan monarchists who call Trump "daddy" and Photoshop his head on images of European kings (this is real) must be livid right now. Mere months ago, Trump was spraying MAGA idiots with water and making image-obsessed cretins like Rubio look like fools. He was their god-emperor:
Donald Trump once mocked Marco Rubio's 2013 State of the Union response where he took a sip of water pic.twitter.com/NgoeTaXDd3— David P Gelles (@gelles) November 15, 2017
It turns out Trump's brain was basically congealing into something resembling pork fat during the election cycle. He wasn't strategically mocking Rubio last year as much as he was probably just confused, saw a water bottle, and had nothing better to do with his time at a lectern. After Rubio's initial water-bottle meltdown, Trump even tweeted about how politicians should never, ever do that, but he clearly can't remember what's going on from one day to the next, and neither can we anymore:
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Next time Marco Rubio should drink his water from a glass as opposed to a bottle—would have much less negative impact.— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) February 13, 2013
The worst part about today: Marco got to say something funny and have himself a positive 24-hour news cycle. Look at how human he looks!
Similar,but needs work on his form.Has to be done in one single motion & eyes should never leave the camera. But not bad for his 1st time https://t.co/s49JtyRo3S— Marco Rubio (@marcorubio) November 15, 2017
We live in Hell.