There's a line in Deadspin's "Why Your Team Sucks" pre-season write up of the Miami Dolphins that theorizes that Stephen Ross will extract his revenge on the public for not supporting his stadium renovation plans "by slashing expenditures, threatening to move, and hiring Pitbull to perform at EVERY halftime."
Turns out Ross is a far more evil man than even Deadspin could imagine. Because the first halftime show of the year will be performed by Justin Bieber-wannabe Austin Mahone in an event called "kids kickoff."
Perhaps you weren't aware of lil' Austin's existence until he showed up to the VMAs in a leather tanktop to accept the Taco Bell "Artists to Watch" award recently, but tween girls of the nation are already quite aware of his twinky pout. Plus, in some unholy arrangement, he just signed to YMCMB, the rap label that represents Lil' Wayne, Drake and Nikki Minaj amongst others.
According to a press release, he'll perform the halftime show at the Dolphin's home opener against the Falcons, because apparently the team senses an opportunity to capture the tween girl market. I don't know, you might have to get Ryan Tannehill in a leather tank top singing about puppy love to really accomplish that.
Tickets for anyone under 15 will be available for just $15 with the purchase of an adult ticket. There will also be a pricier "Austin Mahone section" with tickets that include a t-shirt, food and drink voucher, and free parking. Twenty winners will be selected from that section to take part in an on-field "mosh pit" during the halftime show, because, uh, that's what teenage girls listening to pop music like to do ...mosh.
It's a solid if not desperate move from the business side. Teen girls will really do anything to see their idols. But it's kind of a sad indication of the state of the Fins that they have to attempt to pad their home-opener audience with teenybopper filler.
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Of course it could lead to some interesting moments.
Surely, all football fans will be left wondering, "Look at all these teen girls who scream and yell and cry over every move this singing, dancing boy in a tank top makes. How silly."
Meanwhile, teen girls will be thinking, "Look at all these grown-ass men who scream and yell and cry over every move these running, catching, 200-pound men in leggings make. How silly."