Oh, you simple-minded soul. You gullible bastard. You thought that smiley face on the check meant something? That they give those mints just to you? You actually thought your waiter likes you?
Think again, my friend. Underneath that quick smile and crisp attention, your waiter really hates you. We're just the only ones willing to tell you. Riptide asked servers in some of Miami's swankiest restaurants what really pisses them off. Here's what they told us.
5. You're a "camper"
Ok. We get it. There's a recession going on. Then don't go out to eat.
But if you do, don't be that person who orders an espresso and three
hours later is still sifting through the same chapter of a Stieg Larsson novel.
"We call them campers," says a server at one Lincoln Road luncheonette. "They come in, order something small, and never leave. At high-end restaurants, waiters have to turn their tables. If you stay that long, you're costing me and the restaurant money." Solutions include: hovering over the table, wiping it repeatedly, taking their water away, and -- if all else fails -- offering them free drinks at the bar.
4. You're name is Hans
It's hard to be European, with your free healthcare, lax drug laws, and cheap flights to Scandinavia (the land of beautiful people and furniture). But when it comes to tipping -- the lifeblood of Miami waiters -- Europeans just don't get it.
"Sometimes they leave me five, maybe ten percent. Other times they stiff me completely," says the waiter. "The worst part of it is, they tell me it's the best service they've had. They think they're doing me a favor!"
3. You're a moron with a dietary restriction
Rule #1 for going to fancy restaurants: don't order something if you don't know what's in it.
"One time a big hip hop star who happened to be Muslim came into the restaurant where I worked and ordered the pancetta salad," says one ex-waitress. "Half way through the dish, he stopped and asked my co-worker if there was bacon in it. 'That's what pancetta means,' she said. The next thing I knew, he had reached down his own throat and barfed on his plate."
2. You're all plastic
Don't worry. Your collagen-filled lips and silly putty tits are safe in South Beach. But your single-minded insistence on not carrying cash can be a problem.
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"Sometimes a group of seven or eight girls will come in for drinks and they'll all try to pay with cards," says the Lincoln Road waiter. "Two or three cards for a check is fine, but eight? I don't have 20 minutes to spend in front of the cash register."
Not to mention that many Miami restaurants steal part of servers' credit card tips. You're already going to the stripclub later, just take out the cash before dinner.
1. You brought your spawn
Nothing kills a woner (waiter boner) like a bunch of kids at the table. Look around you. Does the rest of Miami have kids? No. Or at least we take the time to lock them in the closet before we go out at night.
And if by some supreme shortsightedness you dare to unlock your child and drag them along, he better not be a vegan hip hop star named Hans.