God bless you, City Hall. Just when we begin to think that you are completely irrelevant, you burst back into our lives with a controversial proposal to plaster Miami with more gaudy logos and revenue-generating ads than a Mexican soccer jersey. Miami city commissioners voted down the crazy measure last night that would have let the city sell advertising space on parking meters, trees, lamp posts, public buildings, fences, highway pillars, and even fire hydrants (which should make walking the dog a little more fun).
But they also vowed to bring the measure back with more restrictions. Why not do the opposite, though? In this cash strapped town, they should be looking for every revenue stream they can sell -- starting with themselves.
10. City Officials
If city officials are so eager to find new spots for advertising, they should start with themselves. Throw a sandwich board on that city commissioner! Slap an auto parts sticker on that spokesman! Maybe we could paint letters on them so that when they line-up during press conferences, they spell out Miami's newest corporate sponsor.
9. Miami Police Hand Guns
"This controversial police-involved shooting was brought to you by Jell-O Pudding Pops."
8. K-9 Dogs
OK. Maybe putting ads on people was a bit too much. But we're really wasting space by not covering the city's canine cops in advertisements for hemorrhoid cream or dick pills. After all, animals have no shame... just like our elected officials, apparently.
7. Parking Tickets
The bad news: you just got a $28 ticket for parking several inches over the yellow curb line. The good news: TLC is playing a reunion tour in Miami next month, and hologram Left Eye will be there!
6. Homeless People
Homeless people have been used as Wi-Fi hotspots at SXSW and blank canvases by graffiti artists in New York, so why not walking billboards downtown? It's better than our current policy of ignoring them until they ask for change, then arresting them.
We've got 'em. We might as well slap an ad or two on them while the silently record our every move.
Because everybody poops. Plus, it's a captive audience.
They are like those free shuttles on South Beach covered with advertisements, only manatees don't require gas.
2. Naming Rights to Neighborhoods
Welcome to Little
Havana Monsanto, home of the Miami Marlins Monsantos!
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Remember when people had to hold up placards when they got photographed by police? Just use products instead.