To Serve and Nut-Check: What If Police Slogans Told the Truth?
I got your slogan right here, buddy.
Nearly every police department has some warm and friendly motto that adorns the sides of its cruisers -- you know, something like "Courtesy, Professionalism, and Respect."
We're all about telling it like it is here at Riptide. So we've taken a look at the axioms of a few local police departments and decided what their slogans should be in an honest world.
Miami Springs Police
Modus operandi: Speed-traps. Tons of them.
Old slogan: "Personalized Police Service."
New slogan: "Bienvenido a Paraíso. We'll Be Waiting in the Bushes for You."
Modus operandi: Coralling roving bands of Metamucil-drunk geriatrics.
Old slogan: "A Rich Tradition of Community Policing."
New slogan: "Sir, Slowly Put Down the Schmear."
Biscayne Park Police
Modus operandi: Stealing people's drugs, apparently; last year, a bag of pot went missing from the evidence room.
Old slogan: "Patrolling the Village of Homes."
New slogan: "Have You Ever Watched the Wizard of Oz on Mute While Playing Pink Floyd, Man? It's Far Out."
Modus operandi: Staying alive in America's most dangerous city.
Old slogan: "Of the People, by the People, for the People."
New slogan: "Duck, Motherfucker!"