There Is No Need to Pray Before Reading Your Morons of the Week
Today, a rare Anti-Moron of the Week is awarded to the mystery football player who recently told serial proselytizer Tim Tebow to "Shut the fuck up" when he asked for a pre-Wonderlic prayer at the NFL combine. While there's no guarantee it will indeed cause Tebow to STFU in the future, one can only hope.
And now, this week's biggest morons:
Even more moronic than a black Republican referring to the president as a '30s-era film character that embodies a racial stereotype is his excuse for it:
"It's a term that my brother and I use. It was kind of a way of saying 'dummy,' like when I say to my brother, 'Hey, Buckwheat, cut that out.' That's what it was."
Huh? Everybody knows that sibling-on-sibling banter is as mindless and crude as it gets -- and politicians aren't typically going around calling the president "dingus" or "dicksweat" or "dog dick shit nipples fuck you." Where do you draw the line, sir?
4. Miami Dolphin Ronnie Brown, arrested in Atlanta for driving with a blood alcohol content of .158.
Ah, this is always fun. So according to this handy "What Kind of Drunk Am I?" chart over at Intoximeter Inc., Ronnie was in the "Excitement" stage of his crunkness when he was pulled over Saturday morning, which doesn't sound too bad until you realize he was only .022 away from the dreaded "Confusion."
Now, because Ronnie weighs 230 pounds and was arrested after 4 a.m. -- which means he was probably drinking for, say, six hours -- in order to blow that BAC, according to Intoximeter's "And How Much Drunk Am I?" meter, Ronnie would have drunk a little more than 15 beers. Or, because it was Atlanta, a little more than nine mint juleps.
3. Airplane passenger Mike Jones, zapped with a stun gun and arrested after a freak-out at Miami International Airport
Does anybody else think it's funny that this week's token airport-rager is named Mike Jones, like that rapper a couple of years ago whose whole shtick was yelling his name and announcing his phone number? Too bad average cops aren't up on their hip-hop, because they could have had some fun with that.
Prisoner: "I get one phone call, right?"
Cop 1: "What?! Yeah!!"
Cop 2: "Who the hell is Mike Jones!"
Cop 1: "281-206-4336! Mike Jones!"
2. Albert Gonzalez, AKA Soupnazi, superhacker sentenced to 20 years in prison.
So the guy was raking in a huge salary for being an undercover cyber-informant on his cyber-friends before he got cyber-greedy and now he has to go to a real-life prison. From Wired:
Gonzalez called his credit card theft ring "Operation Get Rich or Die Tryin." As Wired.com previously reported, he spent $75,000 on a birthday party for himself and once complained to associates that he had to manually count $340,000 in stolen $20 bills after his counting machine broke.
Sounds like a scene from that movie Hackers, where all the outlaws ride skateboards and are grounded by their mothers for downing the New York Stock Exchange. Turns out truth is stranger than schlocky '90s-era fiction.
1. Robert Settineri, reputed mobster facing trial for obstruction of justice and money laundering.
From the Miami Herald:
As he was eating alfresco at Soprano Cafe on Lincoln Road, Settineri opened his leather jacket to flash a handgun at a private security officer and threatened to kill him, a police report says.
So... what do you think it was that tipped people off that this guy might be an Italian mobster?
Also: He was wearing a T-shirt reading "Fuhgettaboutit!" Also: His face.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.