The Ten Biggest Miami Losers of 2011
Two thousand eleven is almost over, and some of us had better years than others. For most, this year seemed like a downer. But, hey, at least you didn't accidentally spend almost $20K at a strip club, get recalled from office, or embarrass yourself on national television. It really could have been worse. Seriously, Miami-Dade had much bigger losers to offer this year. Let's take a schadenfreude trip down memory lane.
Mark S. Gold, Ticket Clinic founder and failed strip club enthusiast
If I were a well-off dude who woke up one morning and discovered I put almost $20,000 on my credit card the previous night at a strip club, I'd probably take the financial loss, take a hard look at my life, and hope to God no one ever found out. Mark S. Gold, the local lawyer who specialized in DUI cases and was better known to some as the guy from the Ticket Clinic commercials, decided he would sue someone. So he filed a lawsuit against Goldrush strip club in Miami, claiming he had gotten so drunk that the place shouldn't have kept accepting his credit card. We caught wind of the lawsuit (not to mention the scores of other media outlets who followed us), and, well, we're sure taking the $20K hit might have been worth avoiding the bad PR and public embarrassment.
Natacha Seijas, deposed county commissioner and dictionary definition of vile
We get the feeling that the successful recall of county Commissioner Natacha Seijas -- whose personality is akin to heated yogurt served on a bed of shredded sandpaper -- was fueled simply by the fact that no one much cared for her. At least Mayor Carlos Alvarez had scandals involving fast cars and cronyism. Seijas's wrongdoings weren't much worse than those of many of her fellow commissioners, who were also targeted. Yet only the recall petition against Seijas was successful. It's sort of a wonder and a sad testament to local politics that someone who comes across as a post-lobotomy Wicked Witch of the West can even get elected into public office in the first place.
The King, former monarch of a crumbling fast-food kingdom
This was the year of the fallen dictator, so it only makes sense that Burger King would depose its creepily frozen-faced monarch. Of course, the fall of the King has more to do with bad business decisions than civil unrest (the citizens of the BK nation are generally too winded from walking to the fridge to go out and do much protesting anyway). Under new ownership, Miami-based Burger King faced diminishing growth (and might soon be overtaken by Wendy's as America's second favorite burger chain), so execs decided to cut ties with Coconut Grove-based ad wunderkind Cripsin Porter + Bogusky, the creative house that gave birth to the mascot who inspired about as many terrifying dreams as he did stoned chuckles. Now Burger King will forge on without a mascot. The King is dead! Long live the King!
Katherine Fernandez Rundle, state attorney who probably doesn't throw good dance parties
Cool job handling the Michelle Spence-Jones corruption case, bro. Oh, wait, that's right, almost two years after being removed from office, Spence-Jones was free to return to her seat on the Miami City Commission this summer after your State Attorney's Office bungled the case and was forced to drop any remaining charges. Which puts your office in a weakened position to deal with future government corruption cases. North Miami Mayor Andre Pierre thinks that's just awesome.
Charlie's Angels, something ABC told us was a TV series yet we're not quite sure it even met the basic requirements
Q: Remember Charlie's Angels?
A: Of course, it's a beloved media franchise with an iconic TV series and two hit reboot movies!
Q: Yeah, well what about the 2011 Miami-set-and-shot ABC remake?
A: Oh, wait, did that actually happen?
Q: Yeah, but it was so bad we might as well pretend it didn't. Hey, wait, aren't you Minka Kelly?
A: Yeah, I'm Minka.
Q: Didn't you star in that show?
A: Wait a second, that was a real TV show? I thought that was some sort of elaborate thank-you gift Derek Jeter gave me after we had break-up sex. I mean I was sitting there, doing the acting, I mean obviously not much of it, but anyway as I read the lines I thought, God, this is so horrible, this has to be some sort of elaborate ruse. I mean the dialogue was so bad I thought Jeter wrote it himself. I thought maybe he just wanted to raise my confidence a bit and give me a few months' vacation in Miami. He's nice like that.
Q: Wait, Derek Jeter would actually go through all that trouble to thank you for having sex?
A: Oh yeah, he's notorious about that. The first time I gave him a handy, he had a car drive me to the Annual Derek Jeter Celebration of Cinema Awards. I won the award for best actress for my uncredited role in The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. It was a signed Derek Jeter baseball cast in gold. He actually got Billy Crystal to host it.
Q: That's cool, I guess.
A: So wait, you mean that Miami-set Charlie's Angels actually aired on television? God, that's so embarrassing for my career.
Q: Don't worry. No one else remembers it either, and, hey, maybe you'll get nominated at the next annual Derek Jeter Television Excellence Recognition Dinner.
Chad Henne, shoulder injury victim
Dude. If it weren't bad enough that fans thought Kyle Orton would have been a step up, now people actually think Matt Moore is a welcome replacement. Get well soon, though! The CFL might need you someday!
Tom and Emily Scott, PlumTV owners whom we can at least somewhat thank for that great Lindsay Lohan article.
Oooooh weee, look at us, we're the owners of PlumTV! Our network of luxury lifestyle television networks is watched only by bored mistresses of rich men! Our content is so vapid it makes E! look like C-SPAN! Oh boy, let's launch a string of luxury magazines during this volatile, rapidly changing media market! Hahahaha, print magazines are certainly the way to make all the money in the world in 2011, hahaha, we'll laugh all the way to the bank! Yay!
Oh shit, our CEO just resigned and is suing us for hiding the allegedly distraught finances of the company. Oh boy, we laid off most of our staff. Oh crud, we've scrapped our plans for magazines. Oh buggers, we're not even shooting new content for our TV stations anymore.
Rick Sanchez, formerly relevant media personality
In 2010, Rick Sanchez was a hot commodity at CNN with promising ratings and a social-media-savvy show. Then some stuff happened.
In 2011, Rick Sanchez did commentary of FIU football games on radio broadcasts and, um, that was about it. Rumors that he was set to become the face of Mega TV haven't come to fruition. The sad part is we're not sure being the face of Mega TV is that much of a step up from being the voice of FIU football.
Paulina Rubio, leaving Marco to uphold the integrity of the Rubio name
If you would have asked us ten years ago who would still have a mainstream American career, Enrique Iglesias or Paulina Rubio? We would have said Paulina. At least she had talent. Fast-forward to today and Enrique is signing Auto-Tuned ditties about fucking people, and Paulina is busy being crazy and getting arrested. In June, she turned a fender-bender in Little Havana into a full-blown incident and caused such a scene she had to be put in handcuffs until she calmed down.
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