Sorry recent University of Miami Alums, The Onion really doesn't understand why even though you owe the school at least five figures in student debt, you still love it so much.
In traditional satirical style, the paper introduced us to "Mark Felder," a fictional '07 grad who owes the school $50,000, but still loves it even though it left him with, "no marketable job skills as an undergraduate."
Man Has Alarming Level Of Pride In Institution That Left Him $50,000 In Debt, Inadequately Prepared For Job Market
According to sources, the man who is no better off today than when he first graduated owns a wide variety of University of Miami apparel, including hats, sweatshirts, sports jerseys, and running shorts, as well as a number of posters and school pennants, which line the walls of his studio apartment. Additionally, Felder enthusiastically showed reporters the Miami Hurricanes decal on the back window of his dented 2001 Honda Civic, which he drives to the entry-level administrative assistant job he was forced to take after failing to find any significant work related to his degree.
Reports also confirmed that the man who acquired no marketable job skills as an undergraduate regularly spends his weekends watching Hurricanes football games with several of his friends from college, who are collectively over a quarter million dollars in debt.
Of course, we have to make a couple FACT CHECKS on the article and accompanying video.
We're not sure what this is, but its not the UM campus.
This is probably a bar at Urbana-Champaign or something. It's certainly not Miami.
Do not remind us that the Orange Bowl no longer exists.
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We're also pretty sure no real UM alum would boast about how the school, "is practically right on the beach." It's at least twenty minutes with traffic, and that's only if you get lucky and find parking right away.
The "At press time, Felder had just received a phone call from the University of Miami asking for a donation to the school" bit is spot-fucking-on though.