The Miami Fan Hater's Guide to the Super Bowl
The Super Bowl is here again and - will you look at that - the Dolphins weren't even close to it again! This is the 29th year in a row since the Dolphins were in the championship round and here we are: Watching two teams better than our own team that is endlessly run by people too incompetent to be better than two Super Bowl teams that have been rebuilt time and time again! Yet they're still better than us. Groundhog Day reference, right? Wheeeee!
SO LET'S HATE ON THEM.
Why Miami Should Root Against Baltimore
Of the two teams, this is the logical team for Miamians to root for. Names like Ray Lewis and Ed Reed recall the glory years of the Miami Hurricanes football team. Shit, Ed Reed played on maybe the greatest college football team ever! In addition, the Ravens just beat the hated Patriots - a team so loathesome with a quarterback so douche-y that the Ravens should be honored at the White House even if they DON'T beat the Niners in the Super Bowl. Can you imagine the gloating press and endless Brady puff pieces had the Ravens not beat the living daylights out of the Pats? Could you really handle more of THIS guy:
The Patriots did Miami -- nay, the WORLD -- a great service. In fact, Miami should give Ravens safety Bernard Pollard a key to the city, what with nearly killing about two to three Patriots in his short NFL career.
That being said, though, FUCK THESE GUYS. Reasons being:
- The last time the Dolphins even tasted the playoffs in this decade-plus of sub-mediocrity was in early 2009. Who did we face? You guessed it: Ed Reed, Ray Lewis, Joe Flacco and John Harbaugh. What did they do? They murdered us. It wasn't even a close affair. That was a clearly much more physical and talented team and they cut short any glory that Dol-fans felt during that Cinderella 2008 campaign.
- The Dolphins could have had Joe Flacco during the 2008 draft but instead we took a gigantic lineman that doesn't score touchdowns No. 1 overall BECAUSE HE'S A FAT DUDE THAT HAS A SIX-PACK. And now we're about to let that guy go because, well, Jeff Ireland gonna Jeff Ireland, y'all.
- The Ravens came into existence in 1996 after former owner Art Modell moved the team to Baltimore from Cleveland under everyone's noses to remove that awful loser Cleveland stench. Five years later, Baltimore won the Super Bowl and Ray Lewis was the MVP. Since that 2000 season, your Miami Dolphins have played four playoff games while the Ravens have played in roughly 18,000 AFC Championship games.
- Ray Lewis is a UM lifer and a beloved Miami figure, but the dude really thinks he talks to God. You know how your abuela has a pretty direct relationship with God? Well, Ray Lewis is actually the liaison between your abuela and God. He's waaaay closer than she is. And he really believes this. Even though he allegedly participated in a murder. And made his blood-soaked clothing disappear. It's completely possible that God helped him get away with that whole evidence tampering thing.
Why You Should Root Against San Francisco
There's almost too many to list here so let's get to it:
- The last time your Miami Dolphins were in the Super Bowl in 1836, the Niners and Joe Montana beat the living crap out of them. It was Dan Marino's only Super Bowl appearance and his penis doled out vengeance for that slighting well into 2005 by impregnating network assistants. Again: Dan Marino -- THE GREATEST QUARTERBACK THAT EVER LIVED -- never had a Super Bowl ring because of fucking Joe Montana and his stupid Mad Magazine face.
Not to mention that we had the fucking raddest endzone coloring ever for a Super Bowl in this game and Don Shula -- as always -- looks badass as fuck. Oh yeah, these guys went on to win about 17 more Super Bowls after this. I'M GLAD YOU GOT ALL THE SUPER BOWLS, JOE MONTANA ASSHOLE FACE.
- Jim Harbaugh. Middling college quarterback at Michigan in the late 80s, struggling pro QB in the pros. Journeyman. "Captain Comeback." Now? Awesome badass, Super Bowl coach. He took a shitty Niners team two years ago and turned them into some bad mothercows. Last year, he took them to the NFC Championship where they lost to the Giants. This year, he takes them to the Super Bowl. He made Alex Smith into a guy who can, you know, do positive things with a football other than throw it at his own fucking face. Why should we care? Oh, because the Dolphins tried very very hard to get him before the 2011 season but he laughed in our faces because we are run by clowns and mired in a seemingly century-long shitstorm of Jupiter-like proportions. He ran far, far away from bumbling Steve Ross and Jeff Ireland -- two internationally-known, world champion fart jugglers. So, yeah, FUCK THAT GUY.
- Last but not least: can you really, truly live in a world where Ted Ginn Jr. has a Super Bowl ring and Dan Marino does not? Can you peacefully iron your clothes while watching West Wing re-runs on Netflix, turn all the lights off, slide into bed, shut your eyes and not dream of a goddamn upside down world where cats and dogs have orgies with one another if Ted Ginn, Jr and his fucking FAMILY win a Super Bowl? Is this real life?
World without end, amen.
Soooo ... go Ravens?
The Super Bowl takes place sometime Sunday evening after a myriad of shitty puff pieces and about 15 hours worth of 'coverage.' Enjoy, folks!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Florida LGBT Rights Bill Stalled in Senate By GOP's Bathroom Obsession
Fri., Feb. 12, 7:30pm
Sat., Feb. 13, 6:00pm
Sat., Feb. 13, 7:00pm
Mon., Feb. 15, 7:30pm
- Florida's Largest Apple Store Is Coming to Brickell City Centre
- Rubio Can't Stop Repeating Himself, Might Be Imploding Before New Hampshire Vote