The FDA is Set to Ban Four Loko in a Defeat of Capitalism and Freedom
In a treacherous blow to the personal freedoms of Americans and Capitalism itself the FDA is expected to ban the sale of caffeinated alcohol drinks as soon as next week. Yes, alcohol and caffeine, two perfectly legal and widely available substances will not be allowed to be sold together in one can. The move comes after in the midst of the Four Loko craze.
While the AP notes that "there is little known medical evidence that the drinks are less safe than other alcoholic drinks," public outcry over a few dumb college kids drinking too much Four Loko has lead to political grand standing and attention seeking outrage which apparently will win out.
Researchers are concerned that caffeine counterbalances some of the effects of alcohol and may lead drinkers to believer they are less drunk then they are. That's a valid point, yet the mixing of the two substances isn't going away any time soon. While the pre-made mixtures will apparently now be banned, it's unlikely Americans will stop drinking these find mixtures of caffeine and booze:
- Rum and Coke
- Vodka and Redbull
- Irish Coffee
- Espresso martinis
- Shots followed by a Five Hour Energy chaser
- Cafecito and Cisco
In fact, Americans so love combining alcohol and caffeine that is was only a matter of time until our capitalist system spurned out pre-mixed drinks featuring both substances. This is how the market of innovation works: find a demand and fill it.
Maybe Four Loko was just too great of a capitalist success for America. It delivered almost too much bang for its buck: the equivalent of about three or four beers and a Red Bull all for under $3.&
We can only hope that Miami's spirit of, um, "entrepreneurship" pulls through and we can get a hold of black market Four Loko smuggled in from countries that still believe in freedom.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.