Friday, May 22, 2009 at 10:45 a.m.
30 Rock and The Office have ended their seasons, leaving my sad little Thursday night television habit left with only The Fashion Show, but hey, at least it's getting better. Kind of.
On last nights episode host Isaac Mizrahi revealed he's grown tired of clothes that just simply cloth you. I mean damn it, this is 2009. So he instructed the team of designers to construct a coat that can perform a little trick on the runway.
I'm not sure exactly what he was expecting.
A coat that holds out a deck of cards and correctly guesses which one you've chosen?
A coat that magically saws its assistant in half on stage?
A coat that encases itself in a glaicer in the middle of New York for an entire week?
A coat that comes out with its wife coat, daughter coat and son coat. The father coats takes out a series of 12 inch black ***** and inserts them into a special *** compartment of all the other coats. Then the son coat starts ***** the daughter coat, while the mom coat starts ****** *** the dad coat. Untill all the coats ******** on to the floor and start rolling around in it?
To which Isaac Mizrahi just smiles, and says, "Well, what do you call yourselves?"
And the coats reply: "The Aristocrats!"
Sadly, this is not what he got, but lets break it down team by team.
First we have team Lidia, Merlin, Angel, James-Paul, who the other contestants have dubbed "The Little People," but personally remind me of the South Park Goths.
They're quiet with foppy hair, and you can tell they secretly hate all the other contestants. At night they sit in a room lit only by candles drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes, and listening to Joy Division. Merlin doesn't really fit in, but that's ok. When he complains, "Oh, ju people, why don't ju listen to some happy time music, ok darlings," the others just crank up "Atrocity Exibition" until he's drowned out and they continue smoking their cigarettes, dancing awkwardly side to side, while occasionally whiping the bangs out of their eyes.
Anyway, they came up with this collection.
Judge Fern Mallis said that James-Paul's sleeping bag coat reminded her of a casket, which is exactly what you'd expect from a goth, no? None of the tricks these coats pulled off where particularly neat. The blue one doubled as an umbrella, the silver one changed shapes, and the other black one doubled as a duffle bad. Not great, not bad. They were safe.
So then we come to Daniella, Andrew, Anna and Kieth.
They're last week's defending champs, and seem to work well together. Daniella's coat hid little secrets in its sleeves. Andrew's magically grew longer in length. Anna's had a compartment for gloves and a scarf. Kieth's was the dumbest, and turned into a beach blanket for sunbathing. They won again, and Andrew took the individual winner status. Daniella's was pissed because she had helped Andrew, the lil male underwear designer, so, so much, which she told the judges. The Judges basically told her to shut up, and it was very awkward. Though, not at all dramatic like the previews mad it seem.
Then on to our favorite hot mess of a team. Reco, Haven, Markus and Johnny.
Reco decided to take over the reigns as head designer for his team, which was good for he's the best technical designer on the team, but was bad because he's getting really, really annoying. At first Reco only annoyed because of that ugly tattoo on his kneck (I'm sure later in the season he'll explain it as something really meaningful, like "My grandmama died, and every night before she tucked me in she kissed me on the neck so I decided to get a tattoo to honor her." At which point I'll feel like an asshole, but for now it's just ugly), but now his ego is growing to uncontrollably proportions.
At first his theme was Aeon Flux -- the cult cartoon show and, latter, box office live action bomb. To which Markus responded, "Uh ...what?" So then Reco decided on "A Modern Trip to the Moon," as opposed to a "Retro Trip to the Moon" like people took back in the '50s when they packed up the GM station wagon and jetted off across space? His team didn't seem all that excited about the theme which immediately put them at a dissadvantage, but Reco worked overtime trying to help them: cutting patterns, stitching up things, only stopping to feed his ever growing sense of self importance.
Though, all the help from Reco didn't make things that better. The judges hated it, and singled out our own Markus and Haven. Amateur Samurai Johnny's coat's trick was that it held shoes in the back pockets, yet somehow he was safe.
Markus's defense was that he could not sew very well, which is not a very good excuse when you're on a competition show about sewing. So off went Markus out of the competition, carrying his coat with him, just like that. So long.
The judges said he was a dreamer but didn't have the drive to perfect things. He came off a little naive, and personally made me think about all those times readers say, "Kyle, we like your posts but would it kill you to learn how to spell correctly?"
To which I usually reply, "Dear readers, stfu." That probably makes me come off like a snot nosed brat, which I realized last night. See how much you learn about yourself through reality television. Because Reality TV is magic, more magic even than these coats.
Anyway, with Markus gone we'll probably stop our Fashion Show coverage, until the reunion show when Markus complains about some douche bag blogger that hounded him.