The Dolphins Nearly Pulled It Off This Time. Honestly!
The Flying Bag of Penis that is the Miami Dolphins nearly went and fucked things up by almost winning a game yesterday. But Suck For Luck is alive and well after the New York Giants woke up from their zombie-like state and handed Miami their seventh loss of the season in a 20-17 final.
Understandably, the Giants came into Sunday's game as if they were about to play a team of midgets. When the second half rolled around and New York's pass rush finally overwhelmed a depleted Dolphins offensive line and gave QB Matt Moore a few good nut punches, Miami finally caved, lost their 14-3 lead, lost the game, and lost the lease on Tony Sparano's house.
- Just like last week, the Dolphins decided to make this one interesting and made a lot of people believe that this was going to be the week where they finally won a game, utterly fucking up their chances at Andrew Luck and giving a multitude of rabid fans who refuse to join in on Suck For Luck a raging boner that lasts more than four hours, resulting in an awkward phone call with a doctor. But, as they are wont to do, the Fins blew their lead, forgot how to make first downs, and tried to field goal their way to victory.
- It would have been just perfect to win our first game against Eli Manning, allowing his big brother's team to take a commanding lead in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. But thankfully, Foppy McDoofus got his shit together, stopped throwing passes into the stands, and led his team to the comeback win.
- Matt Moore proved to be quite the elusive quarterback whenever the Giants pass rush collapsed the pocket. He looks all lurchy and awkward when he scrambles, not unlike a flopping marionette puppet, but it's surprisingly effective and it nearly single-handedly beat the Giants!
- Reggie Bush rushed for 103 yards yesterday. Astoundingly enough, it was only the second time in his professional career he's gone over the 100-yard mark. You just know LaMontelle Pussyhammer is making the most out of that middling stat with the ladies.
- SUCK FOR LUCK UPDATE: Perhaps buoyed by the Cardinals miraculous World Series win over the Texas Rangers while simultaneously forcing George W. Bush to make a sad trombone face on national television, the St. Louis Rams beat the heavily favored New Orleans Saints, earning their first victory of the season.
Meanwhile, the Colts are still playing like ass. They got pummeled by the Titans, who managed to score a touchdown after a blocked punt.
Really, Colts? A blocked punt?
These dipshits couldn't be making it more obvious that they're tanking their season. They're still starting that shrunken-headed asshole Curtis Painter at QB, and they absolutely refuse to resemble any semblance of an actual NFL defense. At least the Dolphins are fucking trying. We had a 14-3 lead and everything! The sucking just comes natural to us. On the final drive of the game, where all Miami needed was three points to force overtime, the Dolphins' offense had back-to-back plays that resulted in minus-20 yards and a backbreaking interception. Meanwhile, Jim Irsay is blatantly admitting that his team is very much open to the possibility of drafting Andrew Luck, hence all the shitstainery from his team. I hope Jim Irsay gets mauled by a bear and the bear rips his balls off and shoves them up his ass so that when Jim Irsay shits, he shits on his balls.
- Reports came out last week that Stephen Ross reached out to Bill Cowher to gauge his interest in coaching the Dolphins. Cowher said on Sunday that he has no plans on returning to the sideline. But we all know coaches are bullshitters who love to bullshit. And it doesn't matter who we get to coach the Dolphins, it won't mean dick if he doesn't get himself a franchise quarterback.
Still, as good and popular as Cowher might be, he has a reputation for being old school with a ground-n-pound mentality that none of the current awesome teams are utilizing and that has produced nothing but bile from our football team. The Dolphins might be better served if it tried again and went after an innovative young Jim Harbaugh-type. The type that loves to throw it on third-and-long, chest bumps his players and gets overly excited after wins and then gets into fisticuffs with opposing coaches during post game handshakes.
But our owner is a starfucker who loves big names and will likely want Cowher anyway, even if he coaches football as if the NFL were still an all-white league where the players wore leather helmets, forward passes were illegal, and training camp consists of exercising with medicine balls and boxing kangaroos. Either way, it's only a matter of time before Tony Sparano waddles out of our lives forever. So, that's something.
The Dolphins visit the Kansas City Chiefs next week in yet another Suck For Luck Bowl. Kickoff is at 1 p.m.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.