You can't spell success without PMS.
At least that's the logic of a pair of Miami investment bankers and a tech guy from Texas. The decidedly estrogen-free trio has created a free email newsletter that notifies men of what's happening with their woman's menstrual cycle. They call it, of course, The Daily Cramp.
Keep on reading for samples of the vulgar, tampon-themed, "male-oriented humor" you, too, can receive every morning.
Jon Hilley, the Cramp's 29-year-old creator, says he came up with the idea while talking to his girlfriend about her "hormone schedule." The former Goldman Sachs employee had never heard of such a thing.
"Guys think women just have a period once a month and bleed," Hilley says. "But the chemicals in their bodies are constantly changing, that's why their emotions change."
So he decided to create an email update that would let men know what mood their missus had in store for them that day.
It's simple. Enter your email address, your wife or girlfriend's name, and the last time she had her period and -- voila! -- you now have a master's degree in menstruation.
"It's 1 part science, 1 part Dear Abby, and all parts funny," the website says.
Well, they got the Dear Abby part right, at least.
Here's an example of The Daily Cramp, which went live this morning:
Today's status: still bleeding. In fact, a tidal wave of dark red and watery brown river water is flowing out of me right now. What? Too much information? Isn't this why you signed up for The Daily Cramp: to know my flow? Well get used to it. This is the way of my biological world, weenie.
Considering the torrential downpour I'm experiencing, I probably won't shave. Not my legs. Not my underarms. Not my hoo-ha. Nothing. I'm going to go au naturale and bring it back to the stone age. And you've got nothing to say about it, so you can just clamp your loud mouth shut. It's not like you deserve any awards for self-grooming.
The Daily Cramp: Your path to a no strings attached BJ begins and ends with sympathy. Be nice, be sympathetic, and be down with the fur on my leg. If you don't, you'll blow your chances (pun intended).
Hilley says the newsletter may be vulgar but doesn't insult women. "We want to be right on the edge without going over."
But why risk the wrath of feminists - or humans with good taste for that matter - to tell men about a topic most would rather pretend didn't exist?
Apparently there's a fortune in it.
"Email newsletters aren't a sexy business but they can literally print money for the people who start them," Hilley says. After studying other successful newsletters like Thrillist, he projects The Daily Cramp can generate a whopping $77 million in advertising sales in just three years. "We're banking on a viral effect," he says.
Yet even Hilley has doubts. "Will this turn into something that people want to get every day?" he wonders.
Bloody good question.
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The Daily Cramp plots out your lady's cycle so you know when not to be your usual, asshole self.
courtesy of The Daily Cramp