Is it a mime, a performance art piece gone wrong, or just another really annoying obstacle to dodge on Lincoln Road?
Is it a mime, a performance art piece gone wrong, or just another really annoying obstacle to dodge on Lincoln Road?
Jonathan Postal

The Bitch

Now that the deluxe edition of Napoleon Dynamite is out on DVD, there is absolutely no reason to do anything but remain indoors indefinitely, memorizing every line of the uniquely hilarious, eminently quotable film about a clan of unselfconscious Idaho nerds and their junk-food-eating llama.

To help readers get started on this important project and also to ferret out fakers, The Bitch has helpfully provided, below, four of Napoleon's best lines, and one ringer:

Sorry I'm late. I just got done taming a wild honeymoon stallion for you guys.

Grandma took a little spill at the sand dunes today. Broke her coccyx.

Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

You are a great star. Everybody knows you. Everybody loves you, but you are sitting in my seat.

Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak.

E-mail New Times (which of course officially has nothing to do with this contest or this column) correctly identifying the line that is not from Napoleon Dynamite and win a prize: an empty Tylenol 3 prescription bottle autographed by The Bitch!

Big Editor on Campus

The Bitch was highly skeptical of the rumors she's heard all week about the possibility of Miami Herald executive editor Tom Fiedler departing the Aqua Lady for that esteemed institution of higher learning the University of Miami.

After all, why would Fiedler split? Doesn't he already have one of the best jobs in the world, or at least in journalism? "Yes," Fiedler told the astonished canine when he phoned her Tuesday. "I've been at the Herald 32 years this year. I think there comes a point where I question: Should there be a second chapter in my career? I don't know if the answer to that question is yes, but I ought to at least be open to that."

Fiedler said he was approached by an executive search firm working for the university and asked if they could include him their list of candidates for dean of UM's School of Communication. He hadn't considered such a thing before, but believes UM is a respected institution and an exciting place to be.

"I told them sure, go ahead," Fiedler said, with the caution: "The operative word is candidate, and I'm one of several. I'm open to this but certainly not presuming that it's going to be mine."

Fiedler added that his understanding is that the university plans to have a new dean in place before Edward Pfister steps down at the end of this academic year.

Sarah Artecona, assistant vice president of media and community relations, said it is UM policy not to comment on job candidates.

In his three decades at the Herald, Fiedler worked on the investigative team that broke the Gary Hart/Donna Rice affair, became the paper's top political reporter, and served as editor of the editorial page. He was named executive editor in 2001, after Marty Baron was offered the top job at the Boston Globe.

The Bitch's Herald homies say Liza Gross may be a likely candidate to fill Fiedler's post. Gross is the managing editor of presentations and operations, which includes the newspaper's design, daily production, and weekend news sections. Gross was brought to the Herald by publisher Alberto Ibargüen from Puerto Rico's El Nuevo Dia, where she was executive managing editor from 2001 to 2003.

DanceStar: Too Classy for Us

Over the weekend,'s chat boards were ablaze with the rumor that DanceStar USA might be moving its American Dance Music Awards to Las Vegas. As with most such tidbits read on the Internet, the truth is a little more complicated. Fact is, though, DanceStar won't be coming back to Miami during Winter Music Conference this spring. According to DanceStar creative director Ben Turner, it hasn't settled on a new city for its fourth annual show, which is tentatively scheduled for sometime in June, but is currently dickering among Vegas, Los Angeles, and New York City.

Turner says DanceStar wants to attract more A-list celebrities to the ADMA ceremony. They weren't satisfied with Carmen Electra and Juliette Lewis (The Bitch's least favorite actress of all time), to name two former hosts of the event. "We absolutely need more and more credible celebrities to attend the show," says Turner. "It's not just 30,000 people at a party on the beach. It's a worldwide TV event. In order for it to work on the level we're ambitiously going for, we need very, very big celebrities and music artists." DanceStar's offices, however, will remain in Miami, and it plans to announce this year's ADMA nominees at a party during WMC week.

For those who have the attention span and determination (which The Bitch lacks) to sit through an awards show, there's always Winter Music Conference's annual International Dance Music Awards. Club Systems International magazine also plans to present its third annual Club World Awards during the conference. Unlike DanceStar's ADMAs, and WMC's IDMAs, both of which honor outstanding performers, the Club World Awards aims at technical categories such as "Best Lighting System" and "Best Lounge."


What appeared to be purely an art-show opening at Miami Beach's ArtCenter South Florida this past Friday was a cleverly disguised flack attack, launched by DindyCo PR, for the Artécity condominium.

Nonetheless things got a little out of control in the way The Bitch wishes they would at most real art receptions. The spoofed crowd that turned out, accustomed to sipping wine and the occasional G&T, had considerable difficulty adjusting to the only beverages on hand -- jet-fuel-strength vodka martinis knocked with peach or apple schnapps served in Lil Jon-size goblets.

Dean Solo, an exhibitor visiting from Phoenix, Arizona, surveyed the flushed and toasted throng and observed: "This is just total chaos. It's a free-for-all in here."

Lincoln Road Vital Statistics Strolling purposefully away from the event above, The Bitch encountered three Weimaraner puppies attached by leash to a human female. As the The Bitch bent down to kiss the rambunctious pups and slip them William Wegman's e-mail address, the woman blurted: "You wanna buy one? 'Cause they're for sale."

Huge, active dogs who live for a couple decades and require massive training: perfect impulse purchase for the tourist or inebriated would-be arts patron! What kind of person would turn small creatures out into such a high-risk environment? Further evidence that the outdoor Midwestern shopping mall-cum-Pigalle known as Lincoln Road is, as one longtime Beach resident observed, past the tipping point of pedestrian navigability.

No Rest for the Animal Abuse Patrol

Most New Year's Eve revelers attending Lance Burstyn's posh soirée (and Krieger watch marketing opportunity) were enchanted by the menagerie on hand to entertain (as if the flesh parade and copious booze were not entertaining enough). The animals, rented from Miami-based World of Wildlife, included a cougar, an alligator, two flamingos, numerous parrots, a lemur, and a six-inch emperor scorpion, among others.

World of Wildlife owner Tom Batchelor says he kept the wild animals safe from the party animals. "We had all the animals in front, and most of the partying was in back," he says. "And we put the cougar away when it got late and everyone started to get pretty drunk. We left the gator out, because what can you really do to a gator?"

Not all the partygoers were amused by the exhibit or by Batchelor's supposed safeguards. One guest says that the flamingos were "suffering from the spotlights on them."

"They were clearly agitated by the bright light shining right in their eyes, as were all the parrots," an avian-aware guest tells The Bitch. "And the cougar was all twisted up in his chain and couldn't move at all. Most of the people there seemed to like it, though. Of course, we're talking about happy-go-lucky South Beach wannabe Eurotrash."


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