Terrible Miami Drivers: We're Here to Help

Incompetent driving is to Miami what cheesesteak is to Philly. So we are well aware how futile it is to try to teach you (yes, you) about things like the "speed limit." But someone should give you assholes a bit of a refresher course. Perhaps you've merely forgotten some things since you took your driver's license test (assuming you took one or even have a license). So here, jerks, listen up:

• You have something on the side of your steering wheel called a "turning signal switch." When activated, it will make lights on either side of your car blink. You activate these "blinkers," as they're called, to inform fellow motorists of your intention to change lanes or turn. Sure, it might seem silly, like when you're in a clearly marked turn lane, but they do come in handy for things like four-way stops or changing lanes on the interstate.

• That arrangement of white stripes painted on the road is a "crosswalk." That yellow diamond? It's a yield sign. If you see a person walking through one of those things, you are supposed to stop and let him pass. This does not mean you should speed up in order to beat the pedestrian before he enters your lane. This does not mean honk at or flip off the pedestrian.


Bad Miami Drivers' Guide

• Let's talk about busy intersections. Some of you seem to be under the impression that it is perfectly legal to make a left out of a parking lot while cutting across four congested lanes of traffic. This is not the case. Either navigate back roads until you can make a proper left turn, or make a right and then a U-turn later. If you find yourself in one of those congested lanes of traffic that some asshole is trying to cut across, please honk at him and flip him off.

• Now, as for turn lanes: If a lane you're traveling in suddenly becomes a turn lane (though there are usually signs to warn you of this) and you do not wish to turn, signal and merge in a timely manner. Do not use the turn lane to pass other cars and assume you'll sneak your way back into the through lane right before the turn. You are an asshole if you attempt this.

• You know when you angrily drive three feet behind the car in front of you? This is called "tailgating," and it is against the law. Generally, you are supposed to leave about a car's length between you and the vehicle in front of you for every ten miles per hour. No, not a Matchbox car's length. At the very least, leave a Smart Car spot.

• To bring it all full circle, remember those "blinkers" we mentioned? If a motorist ahead of you is trying to change into your lane and uses a blinker, let that person in. That blinker does not mean "speed up so that person cannot change lanes."


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