Our sister paper in New York City just published a list of ten things that city's citizens need to stop doing. But let's face it: Even when you consider the number of Williamsburg hipsters, Miamians are still way more annoying than New Yorkers.
Miamians are space invaders. Which is to say, they invade your space. Whether you're driving your car, watching a movie, or eating at a restaurant, there is no way to ever forget you're in Miami.
It's endearing, sort of. But mostly it's annoying. Here, then, are the ten things we all need to stop doing immediately for the sanity of our fellow locals. If Miami had mountains, we'd stand atop one hoisting tablets inscribed with these rules.
10. Letting their banshee children run wild in restaurants. A restaurant is not a day-care center. The reason you can't just let your kids crawl all over the floor and scream is because it annoys the shit out of other diners who are spending good money to enjoy their pad thai and whose children are either well-behaved or don't exist. We've seen this in both neighborhood joints and fancy restaurants in Miami. Seriously, it's a tragic shame that our neighbors are raising such cretinous, uncontrollable children. But that's their business. Or at least it should be.
9. Whistling for their wives in the grocery store. Sometimes it sounds like a bird-dogging competition at Winn-Dixie. Our dad does this, and we realize it's a very effective, efficient way to get your woman's attention, but why not just leave your wife in the car with a window cracked?
8. Driving like Ryan Gosling in Drive. We shouldn't even be saying this because it will give said drivers satisfaction, but it's kind of terrifying to see a BMW bearing down behind you at 70 mph when you're stopped at a red light. Oh, but then they brake at the last minute. Impressive. There's a rule of the roads in Miami: If it's a BMW, or any car with a "The Shocker" hand symbol sticker, you should assume they'll cut you off in an incredibly dangerous fashion. What's funny is that you always catch up to them at the next light -- despite all their crazy maneuvering and a driving record that one can only imagine is costing them hundreds of dollars a month in insurance. Yes, we have fantasized about that Tool sticker melting off the bumper after their shitty driving gets them in a fiery accident. We're not saying it's right. But we're admitting to the fantasy.
7. Staging glamour and/or porn-y photo shoots everywhere, all the time. We went to Jimbo's -- where you think you'd be safe -- and there was a hipster photo shoot going down. We were driving down Biscayne Boulevard in downtown one early afternoon when we saw a streetwalker-type lady making a V with her legs in a skirt, with her, uh, "v" hanging out for all the world to see, as somebody else took a photo. The one time we went to Vizcaya there were like 48 photo shoots going on. Where are all these photos ending up? We suspect the answer to that question is they're forever staying on digital cameras, never to be looked at again.
6. Not picking up dog poop in South Beach.The Britto store gives you a little bag when you buy a tiny butterfly statue. Save that bag under your sink. Put it in the pocket of your white linen slacks when your walk your froodle. And when feces comes out of your dog's anus, USE THE BAG TO PICK IT UP. Now throw it in a Britto-decorated municipal trash can.
5. Talking and answering phones in the movie theater. Have you ever watched a movie at the Aventura theater? Holy shit, that's a good way to spend $10 and two hours boiling in rage. They're playing like 17 PSAs before movies beseeching viewers not to talk or answer phones during the movie, yet there are always eight to ten people in each theater who seem to have genuinely never heard of such a social courtesy. And we're not talking about only teenagers. Actually, really old people are the worst offenders.
4. Cutting in line. This human snake is not some elaborate, slow-moving dance. We all want the thing at the head of the snake, the same thing you want. But look how you just slink right to the front and order your fucking skim cappuccino. May you also cut the line to Hell.
3. Pedestrians jaywalking in front of cars, and even seeming to confrontationally slow down in order to prove some nonsensical point. Another especially South Beach-centric problem. To the haughty pedestrians of Lincoln Road, a great percentage of whom we kind of assume speak only Swedish: We will usually just patiently sit in our car and let you slo-mo-step across the street even though we have a green light. But catch us on the wrong day when we have a hot coffee in our console, and we might just go on a skin-burning splash fest. Creepy, yes, and we will likely be charged with felony assault. But, secretly, Miamians will regard us as heroes.
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2. Driving their boats like cars. Miamians "relax" and "connect with nature" like no other tribe. Namely, they get in giant, flashy, souped-up boats; blast reggaeton, rap, or salsa louder than their aqua-neighbors; park at some sad, trash-strewn island; and drink tons of beer. If you kayak or canoe around these areas, you are the scooter in a land of Hummers driven by drunks. Expect to be almost run over. We're pretty sure we saw Truck Nutz hanging off the back of one leisure craft.
1. Littering. It's a lock that the people who have never even considered the notion that they shouldn't toss a Big Mac wrapper out the car window are the same aforementioned luminaries who make holiday plans on the phone during movies and don't realize that their Great Dane poop is not a welcome lawn ornament. If only we could send these people to a place called Garbage Island.
OK, we're off to ice the throbbing vein on our forehead.