Ten Pro Tips To Survive Hurricane Season Like a Native
The storm formerly known as Dorian looks less likely to ruin your life but hey, you never know. Hurricane season is upon us, so you darn well better be ready for everything from a temporary power outage to a Sharknado. From the minute a storm jumps off Africa and starts soaking up that warm water HGH, we start having to pay attention. The price we pay to live in paradise is that there is always the off-chance a storm named Jennifer will come put your entire life in a washing machine.
Every year around this time "Hurricane Survial Lists" including your same basic necessities will pop up at places like Publix, but most of them are outdated and down right assumed at this point. If I have to tell you that you may want to have some extra bottled water or batteries on hand this time of year then this is more likely than not your first rodeo. Here are a few things that your hurricane guide forget to remind you about. Things that only a true native veteran of hurricane season knows to prepare for.
Liquor before beer, you're in the clear
Pop quiz Hot Shot, you want to get your Hurricane party drink on, but you have no power and your beer is warm, what do you do? What do YOU do? You make sure you have the hard stuff on hand, THAT's what you do. Liquor doesn't need no stinkin' refrigeration, you know why? Because it's awesome, that's why. Unlike it's diva cousin beer, liquor scoffs at the need to be chilled because liquor is an independent woman and can support her damn self. Surviving a prolonged power outage separates the men from the boys, so make sure you prepare like a man and don't get stuck drinking warm super-duper-secret craft beer just because you failed to think this thing through. If you need a mixer make sure to remember to buy canned juices that don't need to be refrigerated prior to opening, or maybe just do shots and stop being such a child.
Every survival list tells you to have a first-aid kit but none of them remind you about condoms because condoms imply sex and talking about sex is taboo in the underground world of survival kit list making. Sex doesn't normally require batteries, but if your real FREAKY naughty sex does you're just going to have to dumb it down the next few days and have sex like the rest of us. You ain't got no job to go to, shit is hitting the fan outside, and there are lit candles everywhere, it's a cornucopia of reasons to get it on -- unfortunately pregnancy never sleeps. We have already established you are going to have ample amounts of liquor and fruit laying around, so stuff could get really weird really fast, make sure when it comes to protection during a Hurricane you're like LeBron James, you ain't got no worries.
Buy an Inverter. Unless you don't have a car, then don't buy an Inverter.
Your house doesn't have electricity, but your car still does! If you can't afford a generator because generators are not exactly in the budget, get yourself a power inverter. Power inverters allow you to charge things using the cigarette lighter in your car, which is really the only reason we still have car cigarette lighters because who uses them to light cigarettes anymore? Our lives revolve around the lives of batteries these days, with almost everything we do requiring at least daily docking. Even if you are getting your read on half the time it's on a computer nowadays. You might have the coolest board game closet and love playing solitaire, but eventually you will want to check your Facebook and Twitter. it's just Science. There are alternative solutions here but this will get you the most for the least when it comes to money and knowledge of technology. You literally plug crap in and continue watching Breaking Bad, that's it bitch!
Taste The Rainbow
Life sucks. No air conditioning. Food is all camping grilled weird. You know what tastes the same? Skittles, that's what rookie. If you handed me a bag of Skittles from 1995 with N'Sync's picture on them I would say thank you and eat the shit out of those Skittles. I suppose you can really go with any candy here, but I like Skittles, and I'm writing the quirky Hurricane Survival post so go make your own decisions and stop asking me to raise your kids.
Get a raft.
You never know. It's not on your typical list because they don't want to scare you, that or it's ridiculous, but better safe than sorry. Oh, you'll want to get on my raft alright, it won't seem so silly then.
Have stuff to keep the kids busy.
We've already covered how to keep you busy during a hurricane, but don't forget the kids. If your kids are old enough to be babysat by Apple, that's cool, but if they aren't you're going to be in big trouble. This would be a good time to pick up a couple new coloring books or Disney movies.
OK listen, I'm not here to judge anybody's lifestyle, so let's just put all our cards out on the table and address the green elephant in the room. Surviving a Hurricane is all about keeping normalcy as much as possible, so you damn well stock up on "normalcy." This could even just be cigarettes, all I'm saying is you still smoke when it's windy outside. I'm not a narc bro, we're cool.
Wash everything, or you'll regret it.
Don't be that guy that is wearing his last pair of clean boxers when laundering capabilities get all 1927, be prepared when a Hurricane hits. The last thing you want to have to worry about if things get sketchy and uncomfortable is your clothes. This may seem like a simple stupid thing but some of my most vivid memories of Hurricane Andrew are friends coming over my parents house to wash their clothes.
Fruit. Yep, just fruit. Stop hatin'.
Everyone always reminds you to stock up on gas for the grill but after awhile what the hell are you gonna grill? Your refrigerator is a creepy dark haunted food closet now and canned food tastes like balls. Fruit is deliciously crazy filled with all kinds of fruitiness and it doesn't need your quitter ass fridge because Benjamin Franklin can kiss a fruits entire ass. Fruit comes from shit outside so you know fruit is used to mother nature's shitty attitude.
They recommend you put all your personal documents in plastic bags, but who has time to collect everything when it's time to find a La Quinta? When packing this bag think "bag I would pack if I just killed someone and was fleeing to Thailand". This is where you put the passports, money, keys, pets,credit cards, grandpa, you know -- the important stuff.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.
- Florida's "Protect a Pastor" Act To Set Up Another Battle Between Christians...
- Bill Would Grant Terminally Ill Floridians Access to Medical Marijuana
- Man Who Bought Record-Setting Miami Condo Also Set Real-Estate Marks in Chicago, New York