The police officers of the sleepy hamlet of Surfside usually spend their days hiding in bushes trying to trap drivers going 37 mph. But for the past year, they've had a real whodunit on their hands.
More specifically, a who-jacked-it.
Since April 2009, a man in a bathing suit has been spotted at least twice masturbating on Surfside's beaches. Riptide has been following this saga on the bulletin board of the town's Publix -- the same news leader that first told us about the old man who slapped a little kid for being annoying in the supermarket's elevator.
This past July 10, he struck again. This time, cops say, he was caught with his pants down.
According to a police report, a man was observed to "lower his shorts, expose his genitals, and masturbate" while at the public shower on the 95th Street entrance to the beach. The guy fled from cops (embarrassing) and was handcuffed a block away. The cops called past witnesses, who identified him as the guy who had masturbated the other two times. Police work!
So who is this alleged mystery swordsman? One John A. Posse, 41-year-old Hallandale Beach resident, Miami Beach Senior High and Florida International University grad, current account executive, avowed Indigo Girls fan, and -- ladies!-- single. (Word of advice: If you regularly flog the dolphin on the beach and are not a Japanese fisherman from The Cove, don't keep public Facebook and Linkedin accounts.)
Riptide could not reach Posse. His phone is disconnected.
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SHOW ME HOW
Anyway, we might have given this accused perv a pass and let him go unnamed, but for three factors: There were reportedly several small children around when he did his thing, hence the charge of felony lewd and lascivious battery on a minor, which means Posse might be heading toward a molester-packed bridge near you. And he's already had chances to y'know, stop masturbating in public: Twice in 2006, he was arrested for unnatural and lascivious acts and indecent exposure. And three: We live in Surfside. Our dog drinks out of that shower after a long walk in the heat.
This one's personal.
Update: All charges involving children were dropped in August 2010. Posse has pled guilty to indecent exposure, a misdemeanor. He was placed on probation and in September 2011 successfully completed an "advocate" program.