Surfside Election: My Platform Includes Mock Naval Battles and Pedestrian Taxes
I done did it now. Two weeks ago, I announced in this space that I was planning to run for the open commission seat in Surfside, the sleepy beach hamlet of corruption and weirdness ruled by my obscenely overpaid nemesis, town attorney Lynn Dannheisser.
Qualifying to run -- including collecting the 25 resident signatures required to put my name on the ballot -- was basically an '80s-movie montage of comic shenanigans, epic exertion, and personal growth. I crashed an 82-year-old woman's birthday party where I pressed the flesh, ate a chocolate-dipped pineapple slice, and basked in the nearly unanimous Dannheisser hatred. I was chased from porches by old ladies who thought I was a criminal or a Mormon. I created a campaign account with my editor, Chuck Strouse, as treasurer.
And through it all, I sweated like Zydrunas Ilgauskas at Pilates class.
One problem: As the befuddled Miami Herald reported last week -- "Sudden Interest in Vacant Surfside Commission Seat" the newspaper's headline read -- my opponent, nefarious psychologist/mom Michelle Kligman, qualified as well.
Miami Heat vs. Brooklyn Nets
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Florida Panthers v Ottawa Senators
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Florida Panthers v Anaheim Ducks
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Florida Atlantic University Owls Men's Basketball vs. University of North Texas Mean Green Mens Basketball
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Though I've locked up the dead-person bloc through a handy list of voters in the local graveyard -- just kidding, federal investigators, don't activate your South Florida timeshare! -- I'll need a platform to wow the live ones away from Kligman's camp.
Here's what I'm thinking:
• Monthly trash-burnings on the beach. This will reduce Surfside's landfill footprint. Plus, have you ever gathered around a garbage pyre? It's lovely.
• Every decision I make will be dictated by you. Using a hotornot.com-style website, you will decide whether I (1) vote yea on that hotly contested dog park or (2) spray sriracha directly into my mouth.
• Shuffleboard and Seltzer Sundays. The commission will provide the gin.
• Mock naval battles, anyone? Who wouldn't want to see the Battle of Cape St. George re-created with sea kayaks and sailor outfits? We'll cover our expenses through beach admission alone. The churro sales will be pure profit.
• Let's get rid of the stop signs. Government intrusion, y'know? I know a no-questions-asked scrap-metal buyer. (I've already gotten a head start on this initiative.)
• Pedestrian tax! This will consist of hiring a couple of wise guys to shake down those poor souls walking along Harding Avenue. This practice will be known as "Dannheissering."
If you still don't believe that I'm awesome, check out my political website for campaign announcements, my exclusive Chatroulette portal, and items for sale that I find around my apartment.
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