We have no idea how a tax refund works. All we know is Uncle Sam is a greedy bastard all but one day of the year, when he sends us a fat check with no strings attached. What a nasty little sycophant.
That government check just scorches our wallet if we leave it in there too long, and savings accounts are for wimps. So right when we get our refund, we join the throngs that circle the blocks outside of check-cashing spots after April 15. Then we try to spend it faster than Scott Rothstein on crystal meth.
Luckily, there is a plethora of methods to part with your refund cash as soon as humanly possible:
Make It Rain
For those readers who are not members of an NFL player's entourage, a primer: "Making it rain" implies tossing a flurry of dollar bills on to the gyrating talent at a strip club. Local mega-clubs like Tootsie's and King of Diamonds will even give you a stack of ones in exchange for a credit card payment — which means you won't be shamed if you show up with one of those gray debit cards the IRS is issuing these days. Support working moms!
Help Buy a Local Chef Another Maserati
Miami is fast becoming a world-class culinary destination. At least, that's what our food critic says. Every time we check out the menus in the Design District, we wonder why a poached quail egg costs $25: Is it really that much tastier than a good old-fashioned domesticated hen egg? Then we end up eating at a Kendall Denny's. But when a fancy dinner bill represents not two days of wages but a portion of a check America sent us, well, hell, pass the apricot-and-hickory smoked wild boar, Garçon!
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Our great-aunt made us include this.
Considering that the easiest seats to snag at the Hard Rock Seminole Hotel & Casino blackjack tables are for $25 a hand, this Goddamn-evil-evil game — we're still pissed about the last time we played — has you betting just under $100 a minute. This means you can multiply your tax refund quicker — or you can become the middleman in the payment of reparations from the U.S. government to the Seminole Indian tribe. It's a win-win!