Silicon Beach: Pepsi iPhone App for Dumb-Asses with No Social Skills
On the surface, the application seems to objectify women as naive creatures who will easily fall into the arms of any man who uses this marvel of modern technology. But the joke is on the men.
The app is obviously tongue-in-cheek, and any idiot who thinks he's going to get laid because of it probably has a stack of magazines under his bed with some very sticky pages. Before You Score is funny in a Beavis and Butt-head sophomoric way. If you're the kind of guy who's clueless about talking to the fairer sex, you might actually benefit from some of the pathetic pick-up lines -- that is, if you can manage to wipe the drool off your bib after fumbling through the conversation. If, however, you're a worldly Casanova who has mastered the art of pathological douchebaggery, this app is not for you -- it's mere kids' play.
The app, which is visually beautiful, is simple to use: Identify a woman's type, click on info, and learn all about that elusive one you're trying to lure into bed. Take your pick of 24 types, including goth, businesswoman, bookworm, sorority girl. There's also a menu option to jot down the names, dates, and comments about the babes who've caught your eye, which you can share with friends in other social networks. (But you had such a hard time getting laid in the first place. Why would you share? A man's black book is a treasured possession!)
One-liner icebreakers, many of which are pretty lame, are a consistent feature throughout the app. For example: "I'm sure the camera loves you" isn't going to get any aspiring actress into bed, unless she left her brains in Kansas and forgot to click her heels three times.
There's also a nifty educational component to the app, which makes yours truly wonder if the demographic of young men who consume energy drinks actually has brains. The aspiring actress section features notes on method acting pulled from Wikipedia, plus a live list of actual nationwide casting calls -- all fodder for conversation topics that might actually impress that waitress/actress serving Joe Clueless his burger with a side of stupid.
Ditto with picking up a women's studies major -- there's a comprehensive Wikipedia portal on feminism that would take any jerk several days to read, burping and six-packs of Schlitz not included.
Some tips are just plain silly. Want to impress a cougar? Learn how to tie a cherry stem with your tongue, courtesy of wikiHOW. For starters, if you're drinking something with a cherry in it, you better check how you roll. That cougar will probably take you on a shoe-shopping spree instead of exploring that bump behind your zipper.
The app does offer some practical tips. Trying to get your arms around a tree hugger? Find out which vegan restaurants are nearest your current location. Hitting the sack with a married woman? Check the listing for local motels that happily support fornication and adultery. Actually, a South Miami search pointed to Fox's Sherron Inn, which is a great dive bar to meet a lay, not to get laid. Listen up, Before Your Score developers: That's a major fail. Hire local philanderers, a.k.a. Bored Wives of Pinecrest, to do your research!
Before You Score actually makes the average ball-grabbing, self-obsessed bro look like a real dumb-ass. It's a parody of how full-of-shit guys can be -- when they have nothing else to offer but pure, unadulterated poo-poo. Are you so uneducated, uncultured, and unaware of what your city has to offer that you need an iPhone app to teach you how to strike up a conversation with a woman? You, dear friend, were probably already doomed to a life of celibacy. Move to Tibet and shave your head. You'll probably get more action in a saffron robe when the mountain winds beat your wanker.
And even if Before You Score was for real, the method and delivery of the technology is impractical. Looking down at your phone and tapping away at the screen without bothering to smile and make eye contact with your intended target is going to make you look like a nerd. Want to really pick up a woman? Don't be rude. Put that damn phone down and talk.
And for Pete's sake, women need their own version too. Yours truly would have a built-in lie detector on her phone called Sniff Out Before You Put Out. Actually, here's where Pepsi went wrong. Had the company hired women to write the pick-up lines, there'd probably be happier, energy-drink guzzling dudes all over the 3G networks. Only women know what women want to hear.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.