Silicon Beach: Geek Charm School 101
Not all geeks are pudgy, sex-starved dudes who sit at the computer all day. In fact, some are hot. But hot or not, the stereotype of the socially awkward technology nerd is no exaggeration. Boys will be boys. Put a pair of tits in front of a geek, and the squinting programmer suddenly becomes an ogling predator.
Not that there's anything wrong with your dick sending signals to your brain when you see a bodacious chick. What is wrong is that your mama apparently never taught you how to be a gentleman. (No offense to mama; maybe you were too busy playing World of Warcraft to pay attention.)
But yours truly loves you anyway and wants you to be happy. Geeks, you're brilliant wizards, but many of you, even A-listers, are seriously lacking in social graces. Sometimes you do things that make you look like a creepy sex offender. Sometimes you say things that would get you instantly fired for sexual harassment.
And seriously, don't you want to score? If you act like a jackass, the only ass you're going to get is a donkey's. If you act like a dog, the only tail you're going to chase is your own. Don't sabotage your efforts! The only code you need to work on here is your behavior. Raise your coolness factor by heeding the following:
LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH
What's up with the ass grabbing? Just
because you can poke people on Facebook doesn't mean you can pinch,
pat, poke, grab, or touch any part of my body anytime, anywhere. I'm
not your main squeeze, and even if I were, I'd be mortified if you did
this in a professional setting.
When you do this at a
cocktail party where we're surrounded by colleagues, all I want to
do is slap the shit out of you, which I won't, because I have class. Your despicable lack of respect makes me never want to talk to you, let
alone give you professional support by referring business.
would you like it if I grabbed your cock while you were giving an
elevator pitch to an angel investor? Dude, they don't even do that at
sex trade conferences.
Take me seriously if you want me to take you seriously.
Want to get my attention? Talk to me. Talk to my face, that is. Not my boobs.
YOUR PENIS IS ALWAYS ON A NEED-TO-KNOW BASIS
up with you showing your penis to me? I'm not your lover, dude. Just
because you're a big deal and we met at a social media conference doesn't mean you can whip out your wanker mid-sentence during a Skype call. "So, I hear Microsoft was interested in buying..."
second I see you rubbing that flaccid shaft of yours, I'm in such
disbelief I don't even know what to say, except maybe do an "I'm
feeling lucky" Google search for phone sex operators. Maybe Microsoft
mergers turn you on, but please, show your penis only by request.
WASH YOUR MOUTH OUT WITH SOAP
me if I know what a "shocker" is when I've just given a presentation at
a social media conference to a bunch of newbies is way out of line. "Two in the pink and one in the stink" is not appropriate conversation
when professional contacts are within earshot, eager to speak with me. Save that kind of trash talk for later at the bar. At least then you could say the vodka made you do it.
DON'T MAKE FUN OF BLONDES
Even if they are dumb.
disrespectful in public makes everybody look like a mean girl from high
school. Geek women, you're guilty of this too. I don't care how
ridiculous someone is; don't trash people until you're literally behind
their backs. Just because someone else makes a fool of herself doesn't mean you have to. This is one of those cases when it's OK to be
a total hypocrite; it's called diplomacy. And guys, you don't even care, do you? You'd still do that dumb blonde anyway, so keep your mouth shut.
CAN I HAVE YOUR WIFE'S PHONE NUMBER?
you're married and pursuing me at a conference attended by several
hundred, if not thousands, of our nearest and dearest Twitter contacts,
please don't drool over me, put your arms around me like we're on a honeymoon, or follow me like a sad puppy to my hotel room. For Pete's
sake, at least flirt with the other horny married women at the
conference or check out the swingers' convention next
door. You have some nerve, being an A-lister too. It's just a matter
of time before you cheat on a psycho who will make you regret you were
mayor of every sleazy highway motel on Foursquare.
DON'T BE A TIGHTWAD
you didn't even pay for my drink and you want to ask me upstairs? I
don't think so. Hey, it's OK to not be rolling in dough. But don't
ask for a roll in the hay if you've never even hinted at it before and
I happen to be the only vagina on the block that's willing to talk to
you. Cheapness and desperation reeks.
TAKE A SHOWER
speaking of... looking like Cartman from South Park is one thing, but
smelling like Mr. Hanky is another. I don't care if you've spent three
days writing code that will cure cancer. If I catch a whiff of you
downwind, it'd better be Irish Spring.
truly is not making this shit up. It has either happened to her or to
women she knows and trusts. Of course, there are many well-behaved,
respectful, generous, pleasant, and charming geeks out there too! And
although some geeks have poor relationship skills, they are still very
fine and helpful people in other respects.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.