Every year, there is a Super Bowl. Every year, for the past 31 years, the Miami Dolphins have not been in that Super Bowl. So every year, Miamians are left deciding which team to nominally root for that night.
In fact, over the past few years, Riptide has used a highly secret, semipatented mathematical formula to decide which team is more deserving of Miami's support. Not to toot our own horn, but every team we've selected wins the game. Our formula has picked the Saints, Packers, Giants, and Ravens in the past four games. But this year's matchup between the Broncos and Seahawks might prove tricky.
Former Hurricanes Players (5 points each): Unlike last year's matchup, which featured a whole mess of former Canes (mostly on the winning Ravens), this game will include just one UM alum: Broncos starting offensive tackle Orlando Franklin. Broncos, +5; Seahawks 0.
Former FIU Players (4 points each): This is a new addition to the formula because it has never been a factor before. Yes, FIU Golden Panthers alum Caylin Hauptmann is on the Seahawks' roster, though he hasn't played in a game all season and probably won't this Sunday. Broncos, 0; Seahawks, +4
Other Players from Miami (4 points each): Broncos cornerback Kayvon Webster came out of Monsignor Edward Pace High School, and that's it. This is probably the least-Miami-connected Super Bowl player-wise in quite some time. Broncos, +4; Seahawks 0
Cultural Affinity (10 points): Good lord, this year its like comparing an orange to a frozen apple and a wet apple. In their own ways Denver and Seattle are like the exact opposite of Miami. In an unprecedented move we've decided that neither city gets points. Enjoy your cold and mountains and freedom from the fear of ever being flooded by rising sea levels and decriminalized marijuana. Broncos, 0; Seahawks, 0.
Which Team's Win Will Make the Dolphins Look Better (10 points): Finally a category in which we have something interesting to talk about! Both teams only lost three games this season. Both dropped games to the Colts, who Miami beat in week 2. Though, Denver's other two loses were to the Patriots and Charges. Miami beat the Charges in week 11 and the Pats in week 15. So if Denver wins, that means the Dolphins are in the sort-of-brag-able position of having beat every team that the Super Bowl champs lost to during the regular season. Try not to think to hard about how that may mean the Dolphins underperformed overall this season and should have at least made the playoffs. Broncos, +10; Seahawks, 0.
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Who's Gonna Win (5 Points): Listen we don't mean to play into Heat-haters notions that we're all bandwagoners down here, but if you're going to randomly pick a team to cheer on for one night only, it's just more fun to pick the team that wins. We are all about having a good time down here. The Vegas line has been sort of crazy this year (though the Broncos are now the favorites), so we decided to supplement with ESPN's expert picks. They also favor the Broncos. Broncos, +5; Seahawks, 0.
Final tally: Broncos, 24; Seahawks, 4.
Honestly, we didn't expect the Broncos to come out the favorites here, but there they are. We can't argue with the formula. However, if you're a Dolphins or Hurricanes fan, you probably already own something orange to wear to your Super Bowl party.