"I wouldn't want my boyfriend chewing on that!" says Michelle, a fair-skinned 31-year-old blonde with an asymmetrical bob. She takes a sip from her bottle of Chimay and sloppily spills some of the amber foam on her thin white tank top. "I mean, I have to sleep once in a while. I don't need to be woken up at 4 a.m."
No, Michelle is not blacklisting oysters, green M&Ms, or Viagra from her man's diet. The aphrodisiac in question is Sexlets, an herbal male-enhancement gum manufactured in Opa-locka by a company called Future Lifestyles LLC. According to Tommy Babil, the product's 37-year-old mastermind, when one "chews the gum, it releases all these natural components that are immediately absorbed into the body through the capillaries." Some of the ingredients include yohimbe bark, for erectile dysfunction; Peruvian ginseng maca, which increases stamina; DHEA, a natural libido enhancer; and orchic powder, a testosterone-boosting glandular supplement that's derived from bulls' testicles.
Sounds nuts, but Babil claims sales for Sexlets gum are good even though it costs a relatively steep $13.99 retail for a pack of 15, a five-day supply.
Babil adds the gum isn't Viagra and should be thought of as more of "a multivitamin that builds up in one's system over time." Best of all, it can be bought over the counter, and "a lot of people chew gum, so it's discreet and not embarrassing to take."
Sure, it's not awkward at all until you bust out an oversize pack that not only features a woman in her skivvies but also the word Sexlets in large blue print.
Which is exactly what I'm doing when Michelle's friend Leah, a cute 25-year-old brunette, sidles up to our high table at Cerveza (5835 Sunset Dr., South Miami; 305-397-8125). This dark, unassuming little bar, by the way, offers patrons 200 varieties of suds for $4 to $8 bucks a pop.
"What the hell is that?" Leah says almost immediately as she arches a thinly waxed brow and points at my gum, revealing a small tattoo of a cherry on her wrist.
I explain.
She laughs.
"No guy I've ever known needs help in that area," she says, fighting back a fit of giggles.
"Well, unless they're coked up," Michelle adds. Both girls crack up, nod, and drunkenly high-five, missing one another's palm.
"But you know what most guys nowadays could use some help with? Being more chivalrous. Do they have a gum for that?" Leah asks cynically, her playfulness turning into nastiness complete with a Billy Idol-approved snarl. "I once went out with this guy who ditched me on a date at T.G.I.Friday's. We were hanging out, drinking, having a good time when he left for the bathroom... and never came back. Luckily, a friend of mine showed up an hour later and gave me a lift to my boyfriend's place. There he was, passed out on the driveway, with half a can of Bud Light still in his hand. I was so mad I took off my flip-flop and beat him with it!"
As the two girls continue to yap and slur, I quietly duck out, hoping not to get bolted in the back of the head with one of the spiked heels Leah is rocking tonight.
Over at the faux-marble bar is Kara, a tall, thin 30-year-old Latina with a pretty face and, thanks to some dramatic eye makeup, a gothy vibe. She agrees with Michelle and Leah. Guys don't need more sex drive. They require tact.
"My ex, who constantly played PS3, once compared my body to a female character in one of his games... apparently I have the same boobs as Aphrodite in God of War," she says dryly, rolling her eyes.
Next come Zack and Jeff, two fratty-looking dudes in their 20s hanging out at another high-top. Both begin masticating on a Sexlet.
"Minty... and kind of fruity," says the beefy Jeff, pulling at the bill of his University of Miami baseball cap.
"It's got kind of a weird consistency," the short, brown-eyed Zack says as he spits out the gum. "The flavor's not all that bad, but it's not sticky like gum. It kind of breaks up like you're biting into a soft pill... and then the little chunks and crumbs of it just kind of sit in your mouth."
"Plus if I got any hornier, I don't think I'd be a very productive human being," Jeff says with a smile.
Outside smoking a cigarette is Rosie, a chubby 39-year-old with stains all over her blouse. She says men should stop wasting their time improving their sexual performance and refine their taste in wine. Then she pukes on the sidewalk.
After recovering her composure, she invites me to go to BT's Gentlemen's Club (5922 S. Dixie Hwy., South Miami; 305-663-4567) across the street. Of course, I accept.
The heavily mirrored strip joint is packed with enough testosterone to replace the orchic powder in Sexlets. I strike up a conversation with Rosie's 42-year-old husband, Sergio, a Dominican who's beginning to go a little gray. I tell him about the gum, and he's immediately intrigued.
"No prescription?" he asks.
"Nope."
"Do you have a pack on you?"
I hand a piece to him.
"Can I have this?"
"Sure," I say as Rosie accidentally stumbles into a stripper who gives her a fake smile and a shank eye.
Sergio's eyes open wide like he just got smacked with a flip-flop as his wife waddles our way. "Anything," he says, "would really, really help."
Sexlets, by the way, can be purchased at sexletsgum.com or at a number of Miami Beach Walgreens and Chicago-area 7-Elevens.
