Seven Signs Miami Is The Fakest City in America
Would you trust this man with your mouth, Miami?
Matthew Logelin via Wikimedia Commons
Only in Miami could our inboxes be flooded with press releases like this Wednesday's police announcement: "Clandestine Dentist Arrested." Oh, thank God, you say. Then you think, what kind of a city has fake dentists? I mean, how hard can it be to graduate from dental school?
But this is Miami, quite possibly the most fraudulent city in the country. Don't believe us? Check out these seven other examples of South Florida fakery.
7. Fake Businessmen
Whether they are cruising Washington Avenue in their rented Lambos or pumping their Ponzi scheme millions into yet another mansion, South Florida is full of bogus businessmen: Bernie Madoff, Scott Rothstein, Buddy Persaud, Allen Stanford, and, of course, Miami's own Nevin Shapiro.
6. Fake Cops
Sometimes, Miami's pretend time is funny, like when an 18-year-old pretends to be a Miami Beach Police officer but pulls over a real cop by accident. Other times, it's not so funny, like when armed men pretend to be police in order to rob people.
5. Fake Doctors
What's scarier than 81-year-old fake dentist Humberto Perez pulling out your teeth? How about a fake doctor injecting your face with toxic chemicals? That's exactly what has happened, of course, to scores of South Floridians. By far the most famous victim is Rajindra Narinesingh, who allowed Oneal Ron Morris, AKA Duchess, to inject Fix-a-Flat and other industrial-strength liquids into Narinesingh's face and buttocks.
4. Fake Towing
Sometimes real cops call real a tow truck company to come and jack your car, but that doesn't mean that the show is legit. On the contrary, fake tow schemes are common in Miami. Two years ago, Surfside officer Maximo Moreno was accused of conspiring with his Tremont Towing brother Allan to extort hapless drivers. Bogus AAA trucks have also been known to roam highways and pretend to assist drivers, only to charge them ridiculous rates.
3. Fake Tattoo Artists
Face it brah: the dude that scrawled that sloppy Nickelback album cover on your lower back for $20 was not, in fact, a professional tattoo artist. In fact, there is a cottage industry of unlicensed inkers in the Miami area as outlined in a recent New Times feature. Beware, however: faux tattoo artists may be cheaper, but you might end up looking like this guy.
2. Fake Food
Occasionally, our fakery comes full circle. A fake millionaire in a rented Lambo will pull up to a fancy restaurant and order some absurdly expensive Kobe beef sliders. But the joke is on his artificially wealthy ass: it ain't real Kobe in those sliders but some bogus beef. That's what New Times uncovered a couple of years ago when we reported that pricy South Beach restaurant Prime One Twelve was falsely labeling its ersatz eats as Kobe beef.
1. Fake DJs
We're onto you, with your big earphones and record collection at the velvet rope like you're next in the DJ booth. Bullshit. You deserve to have your fraudulent ass pumped full of Fix-A-Flat for this offense.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes. Follow this journalist on Twitter @MikeMillerMiami.
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