The Miami Heat must break the Indiana Pacers tonight. It's time to rid themselves of, as Ray Allen would say, the Pacers "buffoonery." It's damn time to get this Pacers team out of our lives, and move onto an NBA Finals rematch against either the Oklahoma City Thunder or San Antonio Spurs. Tonight the Miami Heat have an opportunity to save us all from the stress and possible all-time frustration a Game 7 in Indiana would bring.
The rest of America should also hope the Heat finish off the Pacers tonight, because if somehow the Indiana Pacers did make the NBA Finals, it would be the biggest massacre of a basketball series ever.
Let's count the ways we hate the Pacers, shall we?
Lance Stephenson Blowing Bubbles pic.twitter.com/CUN8zA2Q9n
— Lance Stephenson (@LanceBlows) May 29, 2014
1. Lance Stephenson comiendo tremendo culo.
Oh, you knew he was first on this list, he probably should be the list. In addition to being a complete asshole on the court, Lance Stephenson has shown to be an even worse person off of it. Stephenson has sky rocketed to the top of the list of players Heat fans wish explosive diarrhea upon. He's most definitely the LeBron James of punchable faces. We can only hope after the Heat finish off the Pacers tonight, LeBron blows Stephenson a kiss goodbye.
2. Frank Vogel is the Pacers leader, which makes so much sense.
It's not so different from meeting a shitty kid's parents, thus figuring out exactly how they became so shitty. Frank Vogel is everything the Miami Heat are not, and he goes about the business of leading an NBA team in a fashion that leaves even Pacers fans disgusted. It's one thing for a 20 year old bench warmer to scream at a jump shooter, it's an entirely separate thing when the coach does it. It's bad look USA for the guy that's supposed to be the figure head of a company, which is basically what a coach is. If his players don't even respect him, why should we?
3. Pacers' play-by-play announcer Mark Boyle is a dicknose.
Oh, you thought it was just the players and coaches that make this Indiana Pacers teams face so punchable, well you thought wrong. You may remember this from last season:
"These losers are leaving," the Pacers play-by-play radio announcer Mark Boyle said of the Miami fans at Game 2. "They are flocking to the exits with their team down by three. This city does not only not deserve this team, they don't deserve any team."
Not surprisingly, Boyle had nothing to say when the Pacers crowd funneled out of their stadium by the 1,000's before the Heat finished off their Game Two win in Indiana last week.
4. Pacers fans themselves are a terrible fraudulent myth.
Heat fans get all the shit, but the reality is, Heat fans have proven they are light years ahead of Pacers fans when it comes to supporting their team. The Pacers sold out 28 of 41 home games this season, apparently something they are bragging about. During the 2007-08 season, the Pacers had just one sellout, and average home attendance was an NBA-worst 12,222. A happy meal was literally more expensive than a Pacers ticket for some of these home playoff games, meanwhile Heat fans are paying upwards of $150 for a spot to stand in the sky.
— Brett Kane (@BrettESPN590) May 29, 2014
5. David West complains more about fouls than Kanye West does about the fashion industry.
David West is the boy who cried wolf when it comes to legitimacy of his foul calls. If it weren't for his constant crying and flailing around of his arms after a foul, he would be the one Pacer you could maybe respect, because his game is pretty tight. West once thought he was rightfully called for a foul, marking the only time West was wrong about the validity of a foul call. Once again it all leads back to his coach, who supports this sort of behavior, because excuse-making seems to be the Pacers way.
6. "Built Not Bought" is bullshit. I have the Internet, and the Pacers are busted!
The Pacers favorite trash-talking slogan sounds good, but it's completely made up. The Pacers would be nothing if not for players they literally did in fact "buy." Of the players in the Pacers eight-man rotation, only three can be considered original Pacers property (Paul George, Roy Hibbert, and Stephenson), while the rest have all come over from other teams in recent years, including what they describe as "their heart" David West, whom they gave $36 million for three years. George Hill was brought in via trade from the Spurs for Kwahi Leonard, a trade the Pacers have to regret. Luis Scola, Evan Turner, Ian Mahinmi, CJ Watson, none of them anything but "bought." The Heat have two players in Udonis Haslem and Dwyane Wade that have been on the team for over a decade, should Heat fans print up some signs too?
7. Everyone is over Roy Hibbert, because he's terrible.
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Enough with the Roy Hibbert tracker, can we be done with this guy, please Miami Heat? Hibbert averaged ten points and six rebounds a game this season, yet after every game people are still surprised he doesn't have a double-double. Yes, it's shocking that a seven-foot-two guy goes some games without scoring, but after it happens multiple times, is it really shocking anymore? Let's free ourselves of the Hibbert boxscore humping Miami Heat, let us move on to more important news.
The Miami Heat and the Indiana Pacers meet in Game Six of the Eastern Conference Finals tonight at the American Airlines Arena. Tip-off is set for 8:30 p.m.