While writing "Blow Hard," this week's feature about douche-tastic hip-hop megaproducer Scott Storch -- which reveals that (a) his mother claims he financially abandoned her, (b) he apparently ordered a handler driving a German-made coupe to run down a child-support court server, and (c) he likes cheese manicotti -- I procrastinated by watching a lot of YouTube videos... of Scott Storch. That way I convinced myself I was working even when I was slacking off. Writers are good at that.
Anyway, I discovered Storch makes for a very good YouTube search. Not Norm McDonald or Ol' Dirty Bastard good, mind you, but entertaining nonetheless. Here is a totally random selection of Scott Storch YouTube videos I enjoyed most:
4. How do you say "eightball" in Russian?
So, sometime during the "fall" half of his career curve, Storch flies to Moscow to make some extra cash by producing for Russian homies Timati & Nox. In this video, he appears about as lucid as Bubbles from The Wire, and he makes a very bootleg version of 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" beat -- which he produced, mind you. Look at him at minute 3:47. That is a man gazing into the vortex of his own black soul.
3. Scott gets a Ferrari stuck in his rose bushes.
OK, this is more of a Busta Rhymes video than a Scott Storch video, but its Storch's rose bushes, dammit, and it's simply too entertaining not to include. Busta Rhymes versus distraught white yuppies turns out to be a really delectable combination.
2. Scott Storch has a brain.
This video might not be that entertaining, but it's kind of illuminating: Scott Storch talking about music-making instead of his Bugatti Veyron! On why sonically busy beats don't usually become hits: "I call that sandbagging a track, like when you stuff a bag of sand. It's just too much. You have to have dynamics, and you have to leave a place in the song for the artist." Then he pulled out a 3,000-mile-long, diamond-studded gold straw and in one gigantic inhalation snorted the country of Bolivia.
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1. If you're searching for redeeming qualities: Scott is a very patient prank-call victim.
Storch gets victimized by Miami prank-caller extraordinaire Ralphige and then proceeds to go Hulk Hogan on the three-way phone call. What results is lowbrow goodness so lowbrow your brows will have the Earth's inner crust stuck to them by the time you're done watching.