San Antonio Hits NBA Finals Record 16 Threes, Punishes Miami 113-77
The good news is the Miami Heat took advantage of a little known NBA rule that states you can only lose once a night. The bad news is we have to play with footballs the rest of the series because the San Antonio Spurs shoved all the basketballs up the Miami Heat's collective asses in Game Three. Behind a murderous barrage of threes, an NBA Finals record 16 in total, the Spurs gave it to the Heat double Kangaroo backdoor Mailman style, 113-77.
If you missed the game and are relying on this next paragraph to help you understand just how the Spurs handed the Heat a fruit basket full of their own taints Tuesday night, boy are you in for some fuckery! Danny Green and something called a "Gary Neal" combined to hit 13 threes on the way to 51 points on a night where they were serving the never ending gobstopper three-point dong to all the Heats. When Tony Parker is held to six points and you still lose by 36, there is a problem.
Beyond the Green-Neal Indian burn last night, Kawhi Leonard going 14 and 12, LeBron having four points until late in the game, and the Spurs fans mocking the AAA "Seven Nation Army" chant -- everything went great for Miami. Mario Chalmers following up a terrific game with ZERO points and four ugly turnovers doesn't come close to making the Mount Rushmore of fuck-my-life things this game brought into Heat fan's life Tuesday.
If the NBA changes the rules mid-series and the games are only eight minutes long from here on out, Dwyane Wade has a shot at Finals MVP. Wade led the team with 16 points, and proceeded to give back about 38 of those points on defense. Constantly helping on defense and being lazy getting back, or giving a lackluster effort chasing his man around screen, whatever the case Dwyane Wade was absolutely miserable on defense. At times you can't even be sure it's Wade's man hitting the shot because he is so completely beaten or out of position. Wade is capable of MUCH better, and recently said his knee actually feels better on defense, so your guess is as good as mine as to what that whole deal is.
LeBron had himself a game, a real doozy of a shitter I tell ya. There is getting your teammates involved, and there is completely and utterly not showing up. The triple double Game One loss wasn't his greatest game. The terrible Game Two start was overshadowed by a box score ballooning six minute stretch and a win. The Game Three performance was down right soft and embarrassing. The 15 points, 11 rebounds, and five assists doesn't tell the entire story in this one. LeBron had just four points on 2-13 shooting before garbage time. Then again, I suppose if you're a Heat fan the entire three hours you spent watching this game can be considered garbage time. LeBron failed to attempt one single free throw. Not One. That's unacceptable and borderline bi-polar.
ZDAHNE GRAHYNE ZEY TREE POINTAH
Amazingly the Heat have two big red "X's" left before this series is over. Somehow they are permitted to continue after Tuesday night. The Heat have not won two games in a row since they were playing the Chicago Bulls, a nice way of saying they are about as consistent as my grandpa's bowel movements. Thursday night's Game Four comes into our lives to either make us feel better, or push us further to the edge of insanity, also known as following Dolphins training camp updates. Motivational quote sentence goes here.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.