Well, that fucking sucked.
The fiery blaze you witnessed last night -- descending unto the Earth with inestimable velocity and indiscriminate violence -- was not the meteor that yielded the Chicxulub crater, but that previously sweet Dolphins high you were nursing. The Dolphins came into New Orleans feelin' pretty damn good about themselves. Then the Saints proceeded to show the Fins how a real, experienced contender throws his balls on the table. For some it was an expected result, for others a rude awakening, and for even another faction of Dolphins fans, complete annihilation.
For a little while early on, the Dolphins looked like they might actually have a puncher's chance at this as they came within four points of the Saints with only two minutes to go before the half. That's when things unraveled. Jabari Greer jumped a Tannehill-to-Hartline slant and gave the Saints the ball in excellent field position. Darren Sproles caught a Brees pass with a minute left before the half, giving the Saints a 21-10 lead going into the break. At this point, playing sudoku or reading old Trick Daddy Facebook updates would have made more sense than continuing to watch the game.
In the third quarter, things got only worse when Mike Wallace dropped a perfectly placed Tannehill ball and dropped another pass later. Meanwhile, Drew Brees began picking children from the crowd to throw to, considering even Ben Watson's cadaver somehow caught a touchdown.
This would have all been fine if not for the fact that the Dolphins returned to their delicious, patented recipe of HOLY SHIT WHAT DO WE DO WITH THIS OBLONG BALL AND WHO ARE THESE MEN TRYING TO KILL US AND WHAT IS FOOTBALL I WANT MY MOMMY mode as the game progressed. Not only on offense (of which we're quite accustomed to) but also on defense. It wasn't until Tannehill (or TANNY-HILL, according to Jon Gruden) floated one to Charles Clay early in the fourth that the team had any semblance of calm, confidence, or focus. Yeah, absolute flaming-horseshit-on-top-of-an-original-copy-of-the-Constitution-bad!
Some other shit worth getting pissed off about:
- Mike Wallace? Don't even want to look at his face. 60 million for a hit-or-miss receiver. Towards the end of the game, him and Tannehill aren't even sitting near each other. If I'm Philbin, I goddamn handcuff them together until they sort this shit out.
- Offensive Line = One thousand beavers vomiting at the same time. Dreadful. Four more sacks allowed for 18 in 4 games.
- Secondary = 85 Nazis having sex with each other in a room made of maggots.
- Jimmy Graham DID NOT use the Astroglide like we requested. It was very, very rude and then he creampie'd us! On top of that, he brought a little friend named Darren Sproles along and THAT WAS NOT IN THE ORIGINAL CONTRACT. Not right at all.
- It was cute how Dolphins OC Mike Sherman tried to run the ball early to keep Brees off the field then he grabbed that part of the playbook and chucked it at a nearby Dixieland jazz band after about 7 minutes.
- The No. 3 overall draft pick is not contributing like a No. 3 overall draft pick should.
- For all the progress TANNY-HILL has made, he regressed big-time last night. TANNY-HILL committed four turnovers all by himself and the Saints' gameplan against him was perfect.
Chill, buddy! The Dolphins are 3-1 and their are a ton of really obnoxious teams with deplorable fans that would looooove to have that record right now. Last night was a humbling experience -- no doubt -- but the Dolphins still have a very good record and a chance to make the playoffs, which is the ultimate goal of this season.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
The Dolphins face a resurgent (but vulnerable) Ravens team at home next Sunday and then will be off for their bye the following week. This will give them a chance to get healthy, re-focus and prepare for the Bills after the bye. If the Dolphins can go into Foxboro by Week Six at 5-1, things are looking a whole lot better than anyone expected going into the season.
So, chin up. For now ...