The Dolphins lost to the Ravens 26-23 yesterday after kicker Justin Tucker put the Ravens ahead for good on a 44-yard field goal with 1:42 left to go. The Dolphins had a final chance to at least tie the game thanks to some crazy heroics by quarterback Ryan Tannehill to evade the punishing Ravens rush on a 4th and 10 and complete a deep pass to Brandon Gibson that set up the Dolphins at the Ravens' 34 yard line.
However, the new-look Dphins (no OL, get it?) followed that up with a spike to stop the clock, SACK, and incomplete pass to set up rookie Caleb Sturgis for an impossible 57-yard kick that even the Dolphins marketing department figured he'd never make.
Even though the Patriots lost -- paving the way for a tie for first place in the AFC East -- the Dolphins could not overcome themselves and the uncanny ways in which they always manage to trip over their own dicks.
Some of the catshit-in-your-cereal statistics:
-- The Dolphins rushed for a total of 22 yards. Their leading rusher was Lamar Miller with 15 yards on 7 attempts and the Dolphins ran the ball TWICE during the entire 2nd half. However, given how shitty their pass protection is we're going to give them the benefit of the doubt that their run blocking is even worse.
- The Dolphins were 3-of-16 on third downs, which is about as bad as you can be if you're really trying your hardest to be very shitty.
- The Dolphins had 10 total first downs with one of those coming via a penalty.
- The offensive line is on pace for 77 sacks this season (more than the historic 77-sack line of Houston's expansion season in 2003) and their sack average per game is apparently getting better/worse as they gave up six in this game. That is "violent elephant diarrhea" bad. Four blind amputee children plus Mike Pouncey are a better option at this point and that's not completely hyperbole.
- Mike Wallace's numbers (seven catches for 105 yards) would lead you to believe he had a good game but that would be deceiving. The Dolphins' $60 million dollar man had several key drops -- including his second drop on a deep pass in two games -- to go along with drops by Clay and Hartline on key plays the Dolphins needed to move the chains. At times, it seemed as if the ball itself was a sponge dipped in the Ebola virus and the Dolphins' receivers wanted none of it.
- Reshad Jones had a game-tying pick-six (which was awesome) but he was mostly very shitty in coverage in this game to match his overall performance during a season where he has failed to live up to preseason expectations.
There's so much more, including horrible running by Vagina Feet Daniel Thomas (no idea why he's even on the field other than IRELAND), Jamar Taylor running around with a big 'X' on his chest, the overall pig penis that is the Martin/Clabo combo at the tackle position as well as poor focus, execution and disciplined play that all speak to the coaching.
The good news is that the Dolphins now have the bye week to sell the offensive line to Somali pirates in exchange for some worthless cowrie shells and that Ryan Tannehill has played pretty damn well overall through the first five games (that 4th and 10 pass was fucking amazing).
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However, the Dolphins are now regressing and the only hope is that an injury-plagued Bills team will solve all of what ails the team when they go into Buffalo two Sundays from now.
The Dolphins win there and 4-2 looks pretty good; they lose and the MC Escher drawing that is our inevitable march to 7-9 FOREVER begins in earnest.