Think things suck now? Don't flip that dial to Russian state news agencies, or you might really be reaching for the Smirnov.
According to the Wall Street Journal, Russia's propaganda machines have lately been giving heaps of airtime to an academic named Igor Panarin, who has spent the last decade telling anyone who will listen that the U.S. is about to fall apart into all-out civil war. Over stock footage of soup kitchens and Katrina victims, Panarin predicts that "there's a 55 to 45 percent chance right now that disintegration will occur," according to the Journal.
Want to start planning for your new post-American life? Not to worry! Panarin has also been kind enough to split the U.S. into four new states in a handy map format. Florida will join it's Southern neighbors (and New Mexico for some reason), in the new "Texas Republic," which will be either part of Mexico or "under Mexican influence."
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Worst news of all? Russia gets Alaska back! Nyet! What will Sarah Palin have to say about all of this?
-- Tim Elfrink