Rubio + Crist + Meek = Worst Ménage à Trois in History of Florida Politics
Perhaps it's just Riptide's over-familiarity with the adult film industry, but the race for senate is quickly becoming as tired and flaccid as the twelfth take of a Palm Beach porno flick.
Take last night's debate between Governor Charlie Crist, Tea Party boy wonder Marco Rubio, and Kendrick "yes-that's-me-next-to-Bill-Clinton" Meek at Nova Southeastern University in Davie.
All three candidates regurgitated their lines with the timing and emotive skills better suited to a Bang Bros extra than a U.S. senator. And like a bad porno, there are two more debates already in the works.
There were a few new scenes in last night's production, although (unfortunately) none involved Jenna Jamison and a jar of peanut butter.
Instead, Floridians were treated to Crist calling out Rubio for allegedly flipping his position on an insurance bill when he was House Speaker after selling his house "for cash" to a chiropractor lobbyist.
"In front of a live audience in this state, he just launched a vicious personal attack on me based on a falsehood,'' Rubio replied.
"All I've done is tell the truth," answered the governor, his nuclear tan giving way to a smirk. The two then bickered and flippity-flapped at each other with limp wrists until reminded that they were on television.
The rest of the debate proceeded with the gripping pace of a high school math class. Surprisingly, neither Meek nor Crist went for broke despite trailing Rubio by 23 and 11 percent respectively.
Meek tried to provoke Crist over off-shore drilling, while the governor focused on portraying Rubio as an "extreme right wing candidate" who would push to overturn Roe v. Wade, cut wages for teachers, and reduce social security benefits.
Crist also went out on a limb by attacking Rubio over immigration reform. (P.s. Charlie: the guy's parents are from Cuba. You can't win on this one. It's like Latino bodyarmor).
Another "highlight" came when a CBS4 monitor pushed Rubio to explain paying for personal expenses with his state GOP credit card when he was Speaker. Rubio insisted that he paid the money back but, unlike earlier debates, said he regretted the decision.
Just as we regretted tuning into the debate.
Oh, and if the event itself wasn't edifying enough, CBS4's coverage afterward was down-right enlightening. Their nightly news hour somehow scraped together the resources to have all of two "undecided voters" sit down and watch the debate. Even better, one was a registered Republican and the other an independent.
Surprise! The independent said after the debate that he's going to vote for Crist; the Repub for Rubio.
Apparently, CBS4 couldn't even find a Democrat to watch the thing, let alone endorse Meek.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.