On Tuesday, the GOP ended the first day of its national convention by letting Chris Christie pummel Ann Romney's message of love to death with his meaty, angry fists like a Garden State mob goon. Last night, Republicans tried a more refined tactic, choosing concert pianist and conservative counterpoint to racism Condoleezza Rice to expertly pick apart Barack Obama's foreign policy.
Then something strange happened: a strapping young P90X addict with sparkling blue swimming pools for eyes sauntered onto stage, name dropped Led Zeppelin and AC/DC, and promised not to kill old people. The crowd f***ing loved it.
Eventually, it dawned on the sea of septuagenarians that the preternaturally pumped guy on stage was not their 6 a.m. "Building a Better You" country club exercise class instructor.
Instead, it was almost midnight and the loudly shouting man was GOP vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan.
Not that the message differed that much, really. Take one of Ryan's closing statements, for example: "The work ahead will be hard. These times demand the best
of all of us -- all of us, but we can do this -- we can do this. Together, we can do this!"
One more set, guys! Feel the burrrrrrn!!!
A couple minutes later, however, it quickly became clear that this bright-eyed kid was kind of a dick. First, he made up some crap about Obama closing a plant in Ryan's hometown of Janesville, when it actually closed under George W. Bush. (That was just one of a boatload of blatant lies told by Ryan. Seriously, he made a lot of shit up.)
Then he started mocking the president: "[Obama] said his job is to, quote, 'Tell a story to the American
people.' As if that is the whole problem here: He needs to talk
more and we need to be better listeners?"
And later: "College graduates should not have to live out their 20s in
their childhood bedrooms, staring up at fading Obama posters and
wondering when they can move out and get going with life."
He also promised to protect grandma's breathing pump from the clutches of Obamacare, which Ryan called "the greatest threat to Medicare."
Ryan ended with a bit of P90X rage, roaring: "Let's get this thing done!"
Sadly, that wasn't the most awkward moment of the night. That honor went to CNN host Piers Morgan and his interview with former New York mayor Rudy Giuliani. Morgan walked through something called the "CNN Grill" before -- surprise! -- stumbling into Giuliani at a bar table complete with pint glasses full of water.
When asked about Ryan's inaccurate factory jab at Obama, Giuliani slathered the restaurant with his saliva while excusing the error. "When people give speeches, not every fact is always accurate," he said.
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Then he claimed Ryan and Romney have more foreign policy experience than Obama, who before becoming president had just lived in "Malaysia or someplace like that."
Nice, Rudy. You make that nut-throwing loon look classy.