Riptide Presents the All-Asshole Major League Baseball Team
So Marlins shortstop Hanley Ramirez has apologized-- after much coercion--for not running after a kicked ball and then lashing out at his teammates and manager Fredi Gonzalez. He's been reinstated into his God-given spot in the lineup, where he promptly collected three hits. But the ugly episode set the always-contemplative Riptide to ruminating: Boy, this guy's a giant asshole, isn't he? The type of guy who won't offer to help a good friend move. An eight-percent tipper. He probably voted for Ron Paul.
But where, we thought next, does he rank among baseball's historic pantheon of assholes?
Not very high up, by our determination. In fact, he didn't make our All-Asshole historic team, consisting of the most egregious racists, egomaniacs, degenerates and cheats to ever play the game. We know Ozzie Guillen is managing, so our only question remains: Who's in the owner's box, George Steinbrenner or Marge Schott?
Catcher: A.J. Pierzynski
He's widely considered the dirtiest player in the Major Leagues, the type of guy who will spike a first baseman's foot if he's in a foul mood. After taking a pitch to the groin during a Spring Training game, he put his knee hard to the nuts of the trainer who came to help him so he could feel his pain. Players around the league cheered when fellow catcher Mike Barrett socked him in the face. As a player once told GQ: "You just want to choke him. You want your pitcher to hit him in the head."
Designated Hitter: Jose Canseco
This pride of Miami did boatloads of steroids, introduced scads of teammates to his magical syringe, then ratted them all out for book profits and expected to be congratulated as a hero. He's also an accused wife beater who periodically offers to hang out with fans for a thousand dollars. The Miami-Dade County Commission recently voted to strip his name from a commemorative street.
First Base: Rafael Palmeiro
Raffy could have just pled the fifth like Mark McGwire or pretended to not speak English like Sammy Sosa when Congress came calling about steroids, but instead he had to point his finger and vehemently deny ever using 'roids-- a lie that was soon exposed with a failed substance-abuse test. Never trust a man with a Geraldo Rivera moustache.
On the bench: Mark McGwire
Second Base: Rogers Hornsby
The St. Louis legend was a mean, bitter gambler who was reportedly a member of the KKK. Team captain candidate?
On the bench: Roberto Alomar
Shortstop: Jose Offerman
Toiling in the minor leagues in 2007, Offerman attacked a pitcher with a bat. Catcher John Nathans stepped in and received a blow to the head that effectively ended his career. Three years later, he punched a Dominican League umpire, earning him the distinction of being banned from playing professional baseball in the Dominican Republic.
Third Base: Pete Rose
Charlie Hustle -- who played several positions for the Reds but, hey, we had a plethora of assholes elsewhere -- pretty much ended Indians catcher Ray Fosse's career by plowing him over in a play at the plate during an All-Star Game. He denied gambling on baseball for decades until finally admitting it in his memoir, My Prison Without Bars. Now he sells autographed balls reading "I'm sorry I bet on baseball" for $50. He is the O.J. Simpson of baseball.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.