Is Rick Scott the product of a demon father and alien mother who copulated on Mars?
Mark Poutenis

Rick Scott should show his birth certificate

Now that President Barack Obama has produced his long-form birth certificate, it's time Gov. Rick Scott followed suit. Under the Florida Constitution, the governor must be at least 30 years old and have lived in Florida for the past seven years. And unlike the president, Scott could have been born anywhere and it wouldn't matter.

Though the idea that Scott is an "elector" has raised our completely insane eyebrows, it has nothing to do with our undying hatred for bald men. Being an elector merely means one is qualified to vote in elections, though Florida law is very clear that any entity registered to vote in the state must indeed be a living, breathing human being. Aha! Here's where the controversy comes in.

Riptide has heard several theories that Scott is the product of a demon father and alien mother who copulated on Mars and deposited the resulting egg deep in the core of the red planet. Allegedly, 13 months later, a fully formed Rick Scott emerged.


Rick Scott

Scientists tell us that scenario is highly unlikely, but much like the folks who are convinced Obama was not born in America, we are completely undeterred by the facts.

We've also heard theories that Scott is actually a robot forged deep inside the secret artificial intelligence laboratory of a conservative think tank.

One scientist we contacted told us this is slightly more likely than the other scenario, but still probably not fact. The scientist then yelled at us for wasting his time and hung up.

Of course, Scott could put all of these theories to rest by simply producing a birth certificate — one proving he is indeed human. A quick Google image search for Rick Scott's birth certificate reveals nothing, and as we all know, if it's not on the Internet, it probably doesn't exist. Why are you hiding your birth certificate, Scott? Hmmm?

Then again, Riptide believes it is also quite possible that Scott might be a zombie, and only living people are considered electors in Florida. We once again dialed our scientist to inquire about this possibility, but he had blocked our number. He's probably in on the conspiracy anyway.


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