Rick Ross, John McAfee, and Jeffrey Loria in 2013
What will happen in 2013 to capture people's attention? Who will do something to make us say, "WTF?" Well, I have some predictions:
• The NCAA won't impose severe sanctions on the Miami Hurricanes football program. The school will lose a couple of scholarships but will get to play in a bowl game. In fact, Miami will play for the national title.
• Wily multimillionaire John McAfee won't have to go back to Belize to answer questions about his neighbor's death. He will settle into a new mansion on Star Island and make himself our new local hero when he buys the Miami Marlins from Jeffrey Loria.
• Chad Johnson will move to Los Angeles to become an adult film star named Ocho Mandingo. Chad wasn't kidding about doing porn if football didn't work out. A teaser of his new career already leaked last week when WorldStarHipHop published photos of Chad banging a stripper.
• Katherine Fernandez Rundle will pardon former Miami-Dade County Commissioner Joe Gersten, who skipped town 20 years ago to avoid charges of perjury and making a false police report for lying about how his Mercedes-Benz got jacked.
• Miami-Dade Mayor Carlos Gimenez and county commissioners will approve taxpayer monies to build a retractable roof for the Miami Dolphins' stadium. They will also give team owner Stephen Ross permission to partner with Genting to build a Jimmy Buffett-themed casino.
• Miami Herald reporters won't make it to any breaking news events because they will be stuck in traffic near the new headquarters in Doral.
• Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff will be named grand marshal of the annual Martin Luther King Jr. parade.
• Marco Rubio will grow a bushy mustache so he can look more "Mexican" and appeal to non-Cuban Hispanics.
• Rick Ross arrived by helicopter at a record-release party at King of Diamonds strip club in 2010. A year later, a Brinks truck had to deliver more money to his birthday party because Ricky and friends broke the bank at King of Diamonds. How will Rozay top those feats in 2013? For his next party, he'll show up in a bus from Florida's corrections department.
Follow Luke on Twitter: @unclelukereal1.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.
- Court Rules Michael Pizzi Should Be Reinstated as Mayor of Miami Lakes
Tue., April 28, 6:35 p.m.
Thu., April 30, 6:35 p.m.
Fri., May 1, 6 p.m.
Fri., May 1, 6:35 p.m.
- 305 Is One of the Most In-Demand Area Codes in the Country
- DJ Laz Won't Face Criminal Charges Over Deadly Nixon Sandbar Boat Accident