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Red State Activists Call For End to the Entire City of Miami Beach

In reaction to the last 30 years of crime, drug trafficking and sexual provocativeness within the City of Miami Beach, a coalition of good, white Christian activists from a collection of Red States plan to send a letter today to local, state and federal leaders demanding that the entire city be banned.

"We won a trip on a radio station to Miami Beach in February and were forced to spend four days in that hell hole," said Bison, Kansas resident Dorothy Lewis, who is spearheading the call to ban the entirety of Miami Beach along with her husband George. "The things we witnessed there were just plan un-American."

All involved with the call to ban Miami Beach were uninformed of the recent incidents that occurred during Memorial Day Weekend. Many shrugged it off as sounding like just a normal weekend for the city.


"Miami Beach is like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah," said Dewey, Oklahoma resident Tom Ridgeford, who joined in with calls to ban Miami Beach after remembering the terrible week he spent here in November of 1992. "I follow the Bible pretty closely. Obviously, we can't bring down fire and brimstone, but we can ban it."

Citing years of heightened crime, the general rudeness of its residents, an open sexual attitude and what more than one anti-Miami Beach activist called "all those different type of brown folks," the grassroots group hopes to convince Miami-Dade County, the state of Florida and the United States government to jointly agree to ban the city by cutting off all funding and potentially sinking it back into the Atlantic Ocean.

When informed that "banning" a city may actually be impossible, many of the activists offered alternatives. One suggested the entire city be replaced completely by a giant soft jazz club. Some suggested a citywide 6 p.m. curfew. Another suggested moving a different city, like Scibner, Nebraska, in to Miami Beach's place, thus discouraging regular residents from staying. Yet another suggested moving Miami Beach to Europe.

"Sure, Miami Beach may bring in billions of dollars in tourism and tax dollars to our county, but at what cost in the long run?" asked Lewis. "How much money do we spend trying to fight the cocaine that comes in through there? Plus, hand to god, they let women parade around on the beach topless. I mean, I've never in all my life seen such shenanigans compared to what goes on there during a normal day."

Lewis, like many in the group she assembled, was unaware of the events surrounding Urban Beach Weekend, and many local residents' calls to ban the "event" -- which is mainly characterized by a bunch of young African-Americans deciding to vacation in the same city during Memorial Day Weekend and not so much of an organized event.

"Well, that doesn't seem all that different from the weekend I was there," said Lewis. "I still saw lots of sex, drugs, violence and crime."

"People who live in Miami Beach complaining about unruly partying? That's rich," added her husband George. "That's like moving to Wisconsin and complaining that there's too much cheese during Dairy Week."

Shown the letter calling for an end to Urban Beach Week hastily written by Herb Sosa, president of Unity Coalition, Miami-Dade County's largest Hispanic gay-rights group, both Mr. and Mrs. Lewis seemed more concerned that Miami Beach even has a Hispanic gay-rights group.

Most activists aligned with the cause said that they were not racist or bigoted, even though many of their comments and remarks on their Facebook and Twitter accounts used derogatory language, and also made anonymous comments on newspaper articles using racial slurs.

"Listen, I'm the least racist person you'll meet, but when you get all those Latinos, blacks, gays, Jews, and liberals together in a place where cocaine, alcohol, and spandex reigns free you're bound to have some trouble," said Mr. Ridgeford. "I say we don't even try to address the problems down there. Enough if enough. America has put up with almost 100 years of Miami Beach's shit. It's time we just ban it all together."


Note: Yes, just to clarify, this post is a joke.  

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