Breaking news from the best twitter in the land, Playboy's: the University of Miami is no longer the number one party school in the country.
It is with a heavy heart that we report that the University of Texas at Austin is the new champion, thanks to its "big-time sports, gorgeous babes, [and] great academics in an awesome town."
UM, which was at the top of the list last year, has instead slipped to number four. What happened Miami? According to Playboy, last year's ranking "became a bit of an albatross, and the man soon ramped up mellow-harshing." We don't really know what that means, but presumably it refers to a sort of hotness backlash, or the kind of status dip that follows a ho-bag when everyone on the football team has had a crack at her.
Every year scientists gather at Playboy Magazine headquarters to rank the top party schools in the country. They look at specific metrics: number of bikini days, sex appeal, sports, and as an afterthought, brains. As far as school rankings go, it is the Princeton Review of skankness.
The magazine follows a strict mathematical formula to come up with its top ten: add "the number of tanning salons near campus and the number of cosmetic surgeons," "multiply that by the girl percentage from the guy-to-girl ratio, then add it to the number of nursing majors and our rank of their cheerleaders."
And it doesn't stop there. Then, it factors in "the number of empty study rooms at a random hour in the library (the best place to have sex on campus if your roommate is home) plus the number of clubs plus the number of Greek organizations." Whoa. This is almost as hard as calculating Medicare reimbursement.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
After this complicated analysis, Miami was number one last year. "When you combine weather and women, no city in the country is hotter than Miami. That's why the U garnered our highest bikini index score," the magazine said then. But this year, Playboy decided West Virginia University and University of Wisconsin-Madison are hotter than our coeds. Boo!
Still, we're glad we have the support of the nation's ultimate arbiter of sexual prowess. Bill Clinton will be at UM tonight for a speech about Haiti, which he will follow up with a very serious dance party at Fountainbleau's LIV.
[email@example.com | on twitter]