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Our Favorite RNC Delegate Says California Republicans "Are Like Tits On a Boar Hog. Worthless."

Judge Matthews
Judge Matthews
photo by Jacob Katel

Judge Will Matthews from Dothan, Alabama, was settling into a meal of hot dogs loaded with ketchup and mayonnaise inside the Tampa Bay Times Forum amidst the third day of the Republican National Convention when he noticed a Republican from Southern California to his left. She had puffy blonde hair, looked around 50 and was eating a salad.

"Where you from?" drawled Judge Matthews. When she tells him, he says, "Y'know, we have a saying about California Republicans. They're like tits on a boar hog. Worthless."

That's when we knew Matthews was our kind of GOP (alternate) delegate. We grabbed a seat at his table to grill him on Marco Rubio, legalizing drugs and Romney's chances.


Riptide: How's it goin'?
Judge Matthews: Good. I been a judge for 27 years, and a lawyer for 32 years.

What do you think about immigration?
I don't mind em' comin' here. I just want em' to pay taxes. Where you from?

Miami.
Yeah? I was just in Cuba last year on a trade delegation. In ten years Cuba will be like China. They're gonna push over all that Communist stuff and go capitalist.

Yeah, that sounds about right. What'd you see over there?
They have this woman over there who is powerful as hell. I was on an agricultural commission. And I couldn't get over all the old cars on the road. Where did they get them from, Mexico?

What do you think about the race?
It's gonna be hard for Mitt to win. I wanted Rubio on the ticket. I think it's gonna be Christie and Rubio in 2016.

You sounding like Mitt already lost, wassup with that?
The President gets 95 percent of the African American vote, he gets 55 percent of the women, he gets 75 percent of the Hispanics ... it's tough to overcome that. I been in politics a long time. The big states are Florida, North Carolina, Virginia, Ohio, Iowa, Colorado, New Mexico, Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, and New Hampshire. Whoever gets six of those ten is gonna win. And Florida is very important. That's why they put the convention here.

Yeah. Maybe some good voter fraud can get Romney the state.
Nah, that ain't happening.

Dude, in Dade County, they busted a major voter fraud ring last week.
Really?

Hell yeah, dude.
Well, Rubio says the whole election is gonna come down to who gets the Tampa, St. Pete, Orlando area.

What do you think about the drug war?
They ought to tax it. They'd be makin' some money then. Marijuana? Just pay a fine.

Hell yeah dude. If you're alright with weed, you're alright with me.

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