No Gold Statuettes Here: Welcome to the Morons of the Week
Sorry Joan Rivers, but we like our award recipients unwashed, uncouth, and unwilling. Let's go to the red carpet of regional idiocy!
3. The Proposed Don't-Feed-The-Homeless Rule
We don't usually give these awards to policies, but this clinched it:
Though the change could draw objections, David Karsh, spokesman for Development Authority Chairman Marc Sarnoff, said the rule isn't a blanket ban. He said that anybody would be able to feed the homeless, but they would have to go through formal training first -- amateurs couldn't just give up part of their lunch to help someone they meet on the street.
Huh? They're not manatees or polar bears. How complicated is it to give a bum the un-eaten half of your seven-layer burrito? We're pretty sure they don't bite-- and if they did, we expect it would be more of a gummy, unpleasant experience than painful or dangerous.
NPC Southern States Bikini, Figure, Men's Physique
TicketsFri., Jul. 7, 6:00pm
NPC Southern States Bodybuilding Championships vs. NPC Southern States Fitness & Figure Championships
TicketsSat., Jul. 8, 6:00pm
Florida Launch vs. Chesapeake Bayhawks
TicketsSat., Jul. 15, 7:00pm
Florida Launch vs. Charlotte Hounds
TicketsSat., Jul. 22, 7:00pm
2. Rapper Khia, the Indecipherable Battle-Tweeter
Eds. note: In proper homage to Khia's use of her own unique language to cyber-attack rival rapper Trina, as explained/translated in this post, the author will write this item in Khianese.
@DAREALKHIA WE COOL BUT DON'T BRING THAT GAME TO @MIAMINEWTIMES CUZ WE ROLLIN WITH AN ARMY OF JULIA TUTTLE SEX OFFENDERS. PANCAKES PANCAKES WHO WANTS PANCAKES?
1. Plies, the rapper accused of staging a shooting in order to boost his street cred
Rap had a very dumb week. We stumbled upon this incredible little item detailing a lawsuit filed against Plies -- you know, the Florida rapper who's so insecure about being considered law-abiding that he disappointed his grandmother by wearing a ski-mask on his album cover. Now five victims of a shooting at a 2006 Gainesville concert where he was performing claim that he arranged the whole thing in order to boost his street cred.
In actuality, Plies is Algernod Lanier Washington, a University of Central Florida graduate who loves Faust, movies with subtitles, and making ship-in-a-bottle replicas. But God knows that wouldn't fly in his line of work. So he invented this "goon" identity and allegedly backed it up with a staged shooting.
What's sad is that it worked. At the time of the shooting, Plies was unknown to the mainstream, playing small venues. He never became Earth, Wind, and Fire, mind you, but his career definitely exploded for a year or two there.
Last September, we told you about one of Plies' fanboys: 17-year-old Barrian Moore -- AKA B-MOE, who was busted with a semi-automatic at his Florida City high school after cops came to pick him up for a pre-existing warrant. Moore's MySpace page revealed that he was a Plies fanatic -- probably because the rapper is proof that even if you have the world's nerdiest first name you can be as stone-cold as Avon Barksdale.
Right now, that kid is surely weeping in the prison library at the news that his idol didn't shoot anybody for any, you know, good reason. Plies, we hereby admonish you for not being a bad role model.
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