Here we go. Live-blogging the NFL Draft. Pretty much like watching the draft with someone as losery as yourself. Only on the Internet!
This is the first time the NFL Draft is being held in prime time. Because you're not buying enough KFC Double Downs for your fat-ass kids, dammit! Also, tonight is the first round only, which means it should go by quicker than usual. If this first round does happen to go longer than expected, I say we get Tom Hanks to start announcing the draft picks. Did you see him announce the winner for Best Picture at the Oscars? Dude does not fuck around.
Also, the Dolphins are scheduled to pick 12th but are looking to trade down slots, which should make things intriguing. Anyway, on to the live bloggeroo...
(We'll be watching the ESPN broadcast mostly. Because we're masochists that way.)
7:32- Commissioner Roger Goodell's charisma can only be described as Bea Athur-esque.
7:33- St. Louis Rams are on the clock....
7:37- With the first pick in the NFL Draft, the St. Louis Rams select....
SAM BRADFORD, QB OKLAHOMA
For some reason, Dan Marino and Sam Bradford walked the red carpet together entering the draft tonight. Might as well have had Marino riding in on a Liger. Just as random, but it at least makes better sense.
Detroit Lions are on the clock....
7:44- Second pick to the Lions: Ndamunkong Suh, NT Nebraska. My spell check just shat itself.
7:46- Christ. Suzy Kolber asked Suh "what was the most powerful thing said" in his phone conversation with the Lions brass. Suh should've answered "The most powerful thing? RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!!"
7:50- Dear ESPN: THIS IS NOT THE OSCARS! That is all.
7:51- Tampa Bay Buccaneers select GERALD McCOY, DT OKLAHOMA.
(on a side note, CALL YOUR MOTHER!)
Redskins are on the clock...
7:57- Washington Redskins select Trent Williams, OT Oklahoma. His nickname is "Silver Back." That's badass.
Kansas City is on the clock.
8:02- Oh Chris Berman and your 50-year old pop culture references that less than a quarter of this broadcast's viewers will understand. How they never get stale.
8:03- Looks like the Chiefs are going to take safety Eric Berry. I think I'm speaking for all Dolphins fans when I say, "Assballs!!!"
8:07- It's official. The Chiefs select ERIC BERRY, S TENNESSEE. If it makes you feel better, keep in mind that Jason Allen and Eddie Moore were also drafted out of Tennesee.
Seattle is on the clock...
8:10- Adam Schefter! Rumor has it Raiders owner Al Davis hates Adam Schefter. This supposedly goes back to Adam's days as a Denver Bronco beat writer. But in reality, it's because Al Davis knows Adam is carrying the one ring back to Mount Doom to destroy it. True story!
8:15- With the 6th pick, Seattle Seahawks select RUSSELL OKUNG, OT OKLAHOMA ST.
Browns are on the clock...
Predraft rumors had the Browns giving
up most of their picks to the Rams so they could draft Sam Bradford.
This is known as Ditka Style Drafting. Also, it's known as moronic
8:20- Could this be the year Mel Kiper Jr. finally loses his
shit and stabs that upstart pretty-boy draft-guru wannabe Todd McShay
in the neck with a pencil? GOD I HOPE SO!
8:25- The first Gator is off the board. With the 7th pick, the Cleveland Browns select JOE HADEN, CB FLORIDA
Raiders are on the clock... Somebody needs to grab a torch and go down into the crypt to wake up Mr. Davis....
8:28- The Raiders select ROLANDO McCLAIN, LB. As usual, Oakland throws a screw ball into the draft and take a dude they probably don't need. They need a left tackle and a quarterback. But no one tells Mr. Davis how to draft, lest they want their soul sucked from their bodies in a staring contest with him.
8:31- Buffalo doesn't waste time and select CJ SPILLER, RB CLEMSON. Jon Gruden's pants just exploded.
Has there ever been a player drafted that Jon Gruden didn't verbally suck off? Guy fucking LOVES every player picked. No one can do no wrong. Kinda like your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner. Nothing but love for everybody, even that asshole cousin of yours who stole $20 bucks from Grandma.
And in other news.... the Dolphins are now going to have to contend with Spiller twice a year for the next ten years. That sound you heard is Dolphins fans' collective testicles retracting back into their bodies.
Jaguars on the clock....
8:36- This just in: the Radio City Music Hall people FUCKING LOVE STOBE LIGHTS!!! I've had 17 seizures since this thing started.
8:38- With the 10th pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select TYASON ALUALU, DT CALIFORNIA. And in related news, thank God I'm not a Jaguars fan.
Looks like Miami is going to be in a good spot as 12 rolls around.
Denver is on the clock....
8:40- TRADE ALERT! Not the Dolphins though. Sorry. Denver has swapped picks with the 49ers. They'll get San Fran's 13th pick. Parcells needs to get on the phone with Dallas or Philly stat!
San Fransisco is on the clock....
8:44- With the 11th pick the 49ers select ANTHONY DAVIS, OT RUTGERS.
MIAMI DOLPHINS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!!
The Dolphins have swapped picks with the Chargers. Holy catnuts this is getting exciting!!
8:49- With the 12th pick, the Charger select RYAN MATTHEWS, RB FRESNO ST.
Looks like the Fins found a team that really wanted a specific player and made the swap. They will pick 28th and got San Diego's second round pick (40th overall tomorrow and SD's 4th rounder). NICE! No word on whether Miami offered Tony Sparano's mustache to sweeten the deal.
Who's on the clock? Denver? Philly? Who cares! Parcells is a genius and that's all that matters!
Meanwhile, Josh McDaniels is doing his darndest to be Bill Belichick. Needs more douche.
8:56- With the 13th pick, the Eagles select BRANDON GRAHAM DE MICHIGAN. His family went apeshit. That was a nice moment.
8:57- This just in: Jon Gruden says Brandon Graham is his man. Along with CJ Spiller. And Rolando McClain and Sam Bradford and .....
Seahawks are on the clock with the 14 pick....
9:05- With the 14, Seattle take EARL THOMAS, S TEXAS
Giants are on the clock....
9:10- Little known fact: Chris Mortensen once killed a man. No, not really. I made that up. But how much more awesome would our lives be if that were true? A lot awesome, I think.
9:14- Giants take JASON PIERRE-PAUL, DE South Florida. Crap. I really wanted this kid for the Fins.
Titans are on the clock....
9:19- Titans select DERRICK MORGAN, DE GT. Know what this draft needs more of? FAVRE! Just kidding. No it doesn't.
49ers are on the clock. If they don't select Jimmy Clausen, Mel Kiper Jr. is going to wipe his ass with Steve Young's toupee.
9:25- 49ers take MIKE UYOATI, OG IDAHO with the 17th pick. ALOHA! means Mel Kiper is really pissed now!
Steelers are on the clock....
9:28- Zachary Hatfield from the Make A Wish Foundation gets to make Steelers pick. Crowd talks over him. Stay classy, New York! Pittsburgh selects MAURKICE POUNCEY, C FLORIDA
Falcons are up next...
9:30- I don't get the Roethlisberger "6 game suspension could fall to 4 on good behavior" thing. So, what, he has to not show his dong to anyone for 4 weeks and the suspension is reduced?
9:32- Falcons select SEAN WEATHERSPOON, LB MISSOURI. Texans are on deck...
9:37- With the 20th pick, Houston takes KAREEM JACKSON, CB ALABAMA.
9:40- The Bengals select JERMAINE GRESHAM, TE OKLAHOMA. Bill Parcells is weeping in his scotch.
9:42- Bill Belichick has swapped picks with his young Sith apprentice. Broncos select....
...DEMARYIUS THOMAS, WR GT
Looks like Dez Bryant's diva rep killed his draft stock.
9:51- Packers take BRYAN BULAGA OT IOWA who looks vaguely like Curly from the Three Stooges. Also, he looks like he loves the shit out of cheese, so it's a win-win for everybody.
10:00- The Cowboys have traded up with New England to get DEZ BRYANT, WR OKLAHOMA ST with the 24th pick.
Every year a team takes a first-round gamble on a player with a troubled past and a lot of baggage and think they can solve that player's problems. I guess I can see that. It's like marrying a guy with tattoo sleeves who is fond of Harleys and Nazi salutes and then expect him to not cheat on you.
10:05- Tim Tebow is going to Denver. Let the "he's a mile closer to Jesus" jokes begin...... NOW!
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10:17- Cardinals take DAN WILLIAMS, NT TENNESSEE. Jennifer Lopez is crying into an empty can of frosting.
10:24- With the 27th pick, the Patriots select DEVIN McCOURTY, CB RUTGERS. You can bet Bill Belichick will have a lot of good things to mumble about this kid.
DOLPHINS ARE ON THE CLOCK!!! FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!
10:27- With the 28th pick, the Miami Dolphins select.... JARED ODRICK, DT PENN STATE
I think I can sum up this pick with the following: "Um.... WHAT?"
Okay, not a bad pick. Just a curious one. You have to wonder why the Dolphins decided to pass on pass rushers like Sergio Kindle or Jerry Hughes. Did they think Odrick might be gone by the 40th pick? Either way, it fills a void. Miami needed a defensive tackle. They think they found their guy.
Jets are up next. If nothing else, watching the draft is always well worth it just to see how the New York Jets mangle their first-round pick. It's like watching a moose trying to walk on ice.
10:38- And the Jets take.... KYLE WILSON, CB BOISE STATE. Actually, that's pretty damn good for them. Goy.
10:43- ESPN is trying really hard to make us feel bad for Jimmy Clausen.
10:46- Lions select JAHVID BEST, RB CAL.
10:53- Colts take JERRY HUGHES, OLB TCU. He's a guy a lot of Dolphins fans wanted.
11:02- World champion Saints wrap up the first round with: PATRICK ROBINSON, CB FLORIDA ST.
That wraps up the first round live-blog. Thanks for stopping by! And if you enjoyed the smarmy comments and vapid dickjokery, be sure to join me again tomorrow night for the 2nd round (6:00 p.m.) and again Saturday for Rounds 4 thru 7 (10 a.m.)
Sweet dreams, Jimmy Clausen!