Here at New Times, people say all sorts of crazy shit to us. Then we hand-pick only the craziest shit and sift it into a giant grinder, which pumps out the little sparkling quote nuggets you find in your newspaper every week.
They are designed to make you cry, giggle, rage, and pee your pants a little on the bus. Here are the finest crazy-shit quote nuggets from 2010. Of course, this is not at all authoritative. If you think we missed a memorable New Times quote, give it to us in the comments section.
"I had surgery and I can't lift luggage. That's why I hired him." - Prominent Christian minister and anti-gay junk scientist George Rekers, explaining why he traveled to Europe with a male prositute. Really, could we start anywhere but here?
"I told him for years he needed to get out of Dade. It's just a little blip on the map full of Cubans... I've hated it for 35 years. They don't mean nothing to me down there. It's a good thing 99 percent of those people know how to throw a ball. You know where they'd be otherwise: Opa-locka, Liberty City, selling crack on the corners. I don't want to sound like a racist, but you know where I'm going with this."- Ronnie Shapiro, proud mother of Nevin, talking about her son's adopted hometown. Ponzi schemers moms say the darndest things.
"Shit, I'll wear anything."- Patches, a Downtown Miami homeless man, accepting a LeBron James Cleveland Cavaliers jersey and sparking a controversial New Times jersey drive.
"You'll never see the Ku Klux Klan try to put up a building in the heart of Liberty City."- Resident columnist laureate Luther Campbell aka Uncle Luke arguing against the Ground Zero Mosque. The notion of the booty bounce connoisseur getting all right-wing pundit on that ass titillated Stephen Colbert.
"When, occasionally, my pants somehow come off in my slapstick films, before I shoot my naked scenes I tug on my wiener a few time to give it some length/girth."- Artist Clifton Childree, one of Cultist's 100 Creatives, revealing a trick of the trade.
"I came to the United States because I wanted to be free. But it's just like communism here -- only with food."- Adrian Acosta-Gonzalez, jailed for trapping migrating songbirds.
"Yeah, I'm a thieving cocksucker."- Busted serial plagiarist Gerald Posner making unwise use of (presumed) sarcasm.
"When I bought a Bentley, I couldn't enjoy it. When you have money in this city, everyone wants a piece of it." Cut-rate funeral homes grifter Rafaiy Alkhalifa, under siege by litigants and investigators.
"There's enough stress and ugliness in the world. Why would I want to create more?"- Millionaire artist Romero Britto-- he of the Skittle-barf color palletrte-- defending his saccharine style.
"This is Miami's time to shine! The rest of the U.S. isn't doing very well, and Miami is doing extremely well." - Miami Commissioner Marc Sarnoff, when asked whether an ordinance pushing panhandlers out of Downtown had to do with the Miami Heat's acquisition of LeBron James.
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"I was never able to fully remove a cheeseburger, caesar salad, the "boring hotel must-haves" from my menus. Now I can put chicken feet, pig ears, crab vagina, or whatever I feel like cooking and not toss Caesar salad for thousands all day."- Chef Jeff McInnis, founder of Gigi, which we are fairly certain that he does not serve crab vagina.
"They are lying by saying it was never a danger to the general public."- Vasko Jontschev, Miami Science Museum's Space Transit Planetarium employee who helped New Times expose that the facility was highly contaminated with asbestos, resulting in its closure.