Naked, Toothless Woman Huffing Propane Threatens to Blow Up Police
Illustration by Alvaro Diaz-Rubio
A lot of weird things happen in Florida. Every Friday, we're here to bring you the weirdest — and to warn you to stay the hell away from folks making a habit of huffing propane or stealing barbecue sauce.
Naked, Toothless Woman Huffing Propane Threatens to Blow Up Cops
We've all been there. You're naked in a garage. It's morning. You don't know where your teeth are. You've downed a whole handle of alcohol, you're nearly done inhaling your last propane tank of the day, and even the small green cartoon image of Mickey Rourke you're hallucinating thinks it's time to pack it in and take a nap. And then some cops show up and try to shut down your party, which means your only option is to blow up your propane tank and ride that sweet fireball to Valhalla.
This, more or less, was the scene Naples Police found when they tried to apprehend 45-year-old Sarah Jo Longacre on July 14, who they say was in her family's garage, naked, toothless, and with her mouth wrapped around the open end of a propane tank. Longacre's own mother had called the cops on her.
Longacre's reaction to noticing that police had stormed the garage was to grab a lighter and threaten to blow up the entire home. So after safely removing Longacre's mom from the house, they returned to the garage, only to find Longacre waving a lighter at them. The cops then simply kicked the propane tank away from her.
After they tackled the nude woman, cops say, she admitted to also having drunk "two liters of alcohol" that day. Longacre also tried to bite the cops, but she had no teeth.
thebittenword.com via Flickr Creative Commons
St. Petersburg Couple Tries to Steal Five-Gallon Buckets of Barbecue Sauce
This caper goes from great to sensational because one of the alleged thieves used to work at the barbecue joint in question (Big Tim's Barbecue in St. Petersburg), which means this was not simply a crime of savory passion — it was a premeditated, sauce-related heist.
On July 11, police say, India Maurisha Kyler, 31, and Jarquez G. Long, 33, broke into Big Tim's through an employee entrance around 8 p.m. Kyler had apparently worked at the restaurant more than two years ago. After nabbing two five-gallon jugs of sauce, the couple apparently ran into one of the managers, and some form of scuffle ensued.
Kyler then screamed, "This is our sauce!" and poured the contents of the two jugs onto the floor. Long then allegedly tried to choke the manager, who immediately pepper-sprayed him. The suspects then drove off but were caught at a traffic stop.
The missing puzzle piece to this whole mess: Police say they found "less than a tenth of an ounce" of weed in Long's car.
Florida Panthers v Vancouver Canucks
TicketsSat., Dec. 10, 7:00pm
UberTAILGATE: Hard Rock Stadium Dolphins vs. Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 12:00pm
LUXURY SEATING: Miami Dolphins v Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 1:00pm
Miami Dolphins vs. Arizona Cardinals
TicketsSun., Dec. 11, 1:00pm
Woman Gets Caught With Illegal Xanax and Valium, Says They Were Her Dog's
Anita Wymer, a 56-year-old in St. Lucie County, was doing 90 on I-95 when St. Lucie Sheriff's deputies pulled her over. In her car, they found 13 Xanax and two Valium pills without a prescription for either.
But Wymer had a creative defense: They were her dog's drugs. Police reports don't include her actual plea with officers, but it may well have gone like this: "No, officers, you really don't understand... I owe Rex here $30,000 after a night of roulette at the Seminole Hard Rock Casino went real bad, real fast. He's got my husband, and it's either sell these pills for him or escape to Mexico in a pontoon boat. Rex has been a bad, bad boy."
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Miami, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.