Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Welcome to the first-annual Muggies, in which we bequeath honors on those accused criminals who ruled their respective mugshot categories in 2011. Is this just another year-in-review re-tread featuring half-baked holiday references? You tell us, mistletoe dick. The envelopes, please ...
Best face tattoos:
Charged with: Marijuana possession
What would frat boys do if this guy passed out on their floor drunk? Erase some of the shit on his face?
Best AARP card-carrier:
Charged with: Aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, domestic battery by strangulation, threat against a public servant, battery on emergency medical care provider
When we first featured this fella's mugshot, we said he looked like Ed Koch on HGH. How foolish of us. We meant he looks like the dad from Everybody Loves Raymond on GBH. Anyway, you know you're secure in your elderly badass-ness when you don't mind wearing gold chains that accent the fact that your neck looks like the upper part of a vagina.
Charged with: Burglary of an unoccupied conveyance, grand theft third degree, trespassing after warning, resisting officer with violence to his person
The man pisses lemonade.
Best beard, classic:
Charged with: Cocaine trafficking (more than 28 grams, less than 150 kilos)
We want to be this guy's cat.
Best beard, creative:
Charged with: Trespassing after warning
A good beard makes you better than human. You become a leprechaun, or a sprightly wood nymph traipsing through construction sites stealing hammers, oblivious to the police running after you screaming in earthling.
Charged with: Assault, cannabis possession
What's scary is that this guy makes the same face whether he's orgasming or finding out somebody stole his cupcake.
Charged with: Grand theft
There's something about a squirrely man in a doily shirt that... well, we don't want to say it turns us on. But we do start lactating.
Best hot lady:
Charged with: Guest refused to leave
Out of all the hot lady mugshots of the year, this lady was in our opinion the hottest. Corporate mandates that we include a hot lady, but how do you make a joke about a hot lady? This hot lady's so hot she, well, inspires men to buy her drinks at bars. Haha!
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Charged with: Lewd and lascivious exhibition on a child
He better have a swastika tattooed on his upper lip. That would be the only thing more offensive than that toddler tickler.