Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series. For mugshots from Broward and Palm Beach, check out The Pulp.
Charged with: Drinking in public
Quick, someone get this man an empty chair to yell at!
Charged with: Entering a park after hours
Police may think they caught themselves a common vagrant, but man, are they going to feel stupid once they realize that this is Future Guy Fieri gone back in time to stop his Red Rocker Margarita Chicken before it gains sentience and enslaves us all.
Charged with: Armed robbery, aggravated assault, burglary
On the other hand, if you were to tell me this dude is a Terminator, I'd believe you with no questions asked. I don't think this guy even knows the definition of pity. I feel bad for the first person who jokingly calls him a grumpy Gus in prison, because that man is going to get shivved about 400 times in a minute.
Charged with: Trespassing
I know there were some of you who believed that this man wasn't real. There are those of you who believed that his tattoos were fake, or that he was just some cough-syrup induced haze of a dream, a boogeyman you tell your kids about to get them to go to bed on time. "Brush your teeth, or Mustache Tattoo Man will come into your room at night and drunkenly play with a switchblade in front of you!" Well, he's real, and he's back, and you best hail the king. Me? I'm just gonna be blaring "Freebird," giving this man his due. Some birds, you simply can not cage.
Charged with: Obstruction
And then there's this pretender to the throne, who apparently idolizes Mike Tyson's cranial accessories way too much.
Charged with: Battery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest, petit theft, criminal mischief
Did anyone else get Ru Paul's "Supermodel (You Better Work)" stuck in their head when they saw this guy's mugshot? Not just me? Okay, good.
Charged with: Child neglect
Hey, at least the Hurricanes won. This charge would probably be a hell of a lot worse if they'd lost.
Charged with: Cocaine possession, marijuana possession
A suggestion to Miami cops: Go easy on the Dolphins fans this year. They don't have a lot to look forward to this season, and a few bumps of Colombian marching powder will make watching Ryan Tannehill get stomped that much easier. I'd recommend something a bit stronger than pot, though.
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Charged with: Trespassing
Blessed are those who mug for the mugshot, for they will truly inherit the kingdom of Mugshots Friday.