Friday, July 29, 2011 at 9 a.m.
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Loitering or prowling, tampering with physical evidence, resisting an officer with violence to his person, battery on a law enforcement officer
Yeah, but you should see the other 27 guys he battled epically on the deck of an empty ocean liner in the dead of night. They kept coming at him one-on-one instead of just mobbing him, and nobody thought to bring a gun despite the fact that he badly injured (but didn't kill) 46 henchmen in the exact same hand-to-hand fashion (this time the fight was in an oil-slicked warehouse) the night before. It was weird.
Charged with: Aggravated battery
If this guy doesn't have a T-shirt reading, "Snoop Dadd," then his family doesn't love him.
Charged with: Battery, resisting an officer without violence to his person, probation violation
The Nintendo suits make him wear the hat when he's on the job. But when Mario gets home to his Brickell penthouse, he likes to condition his hair, put on some D'Angelo, call his favorite escort -- he and the Princess are on a break -- look in the mirror naked, and say, "Who's a plumber now, bitch?"
Charged with: Petty retail theft
and I had a disagreement about this one. I said this guy was an Australian version of the dumb guy from Coach
, obviously. He said he was a homeless John Cleese. Disgusted, I told the ex-intern to pack his fucking bags and get used to working a squeegee for a living.
Charged with: Dealing in stolen property
Behold, the scariest man in prison. Who gets "RIP" next to his people-I-killed teardrops, like he killed his best friend but then realized that the guy hadn't snitched after all? What middle-aged Latino dad gets a "Thug Life" tattoo on his neck? Which one is the real eye? What the fuck is going on here? AGGGHHHHH!
Charged with: False report about placing an explosive
Man, not only do you make a false report about having a bomb -- which, didn't we all get that out of our system at age 13? -- but also then you try to make some badass pirate face for the mugshot, even after you clearly were beaten by police or applied makeup in honor of Amy Winehouse's death. Fuck off, you pumpkin-faced fuck.
Charged with: Cocaine possession, resisting officer with violence to his person, battery on a law enforcement officer
To all middle-aged writers out there using the adjective half-mast
to describe the eyelids of your groggy teenagers or what-have-you: Fuck you. This is the new standard for half-mast eyelids. Before you use that term, you should look at this mugshot and decide whether the eyelids you're trying to describe make the grade.
Charged with: Eluding a police officer, hold for immigration
Whew, that was a lot of crazy-looking dudes. Let's just relax and study this nice young man. Ow! Stop eye-fucking me in the eyes, fourth Iglesias brother!
Charged with: Cocaine possession, cannabis possession, battery, resisting an officer without violence to his person
Is that some sort of saying we missed? Yo, I got eyes in the front of my neck
Charged with: Trespassing after warning
You know how, when you're 11 years old, you fantasize about the really cool look you're going to have when you grow up? But by the time you grow up, you realize you're just not that cool and that look wouldn't work on your face. Some people never experience the epiphany -- discouraging, but life-saving -- that is that second sentence.
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