Mugshots Friday: Let's Play Guess Where the Drunk Tourist Is From!
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Charged with: Disorderly intoxication, possession of an alcoholic beverage by a minor (he's 20), resisting arrest with violence
He was arrested in Miami Beach, and that's clearly a tourist sunburn. Here are the rules: Post in the comments section where you think this guy lives. We're requesting the police report. Commenter who guesses right or gets closest region-wise will get something mailed to them. The prize might be something from our collection of weird stuff people send us. It might be New Times sunglasses. It might be cash. (It won't be cash.)
Charged with: Cocaine trafficking (more than 28 grams, less than 150 kilos)
This is the happiest alleged coke dealer we've ever seen. We're going to post this mugshot on our driver's seat sun flap to bring us up when we're feeling down.
Arrested: 3/11; 3/11
Charged with: Grand theft and burglary; Disorderly conduct in an establishment, resisting arrest with violence, battery on a law enforcement officer
You poor soul. Please tell us that you were kidnapped by a Shanghai gang called Yes Butt Cheese -- we checked with a Chinese friend, that's what it says -- and that you didn't pay for your own neck to be defaced in such a manner.
Charged with: Armed robbery
We were going to make fun of his facial hair but, we've been looking at it for a long time now and it's actually pretty cool. It's like Daniel Day Lewis but with the added sneer of "I'm going to add this really long string that you have the impulse to pull or at least stare at but you won't do either because you're afraid of me."
Charged with: Out-of-state fugitive warrant
This looks like the kind of guy who kicked some giant Aryan's ass 30 years ago and hasn't had to fight anybody since. He makes liquor out of potatoes in a garbage bag but instead of drinking it all in one night and going crazy and getting sent to the hole, he and his cellie sip only a cup or two every few nights. He's the coolest guy in prison.
Arrested: 03/10; 3/15; 3/15; 3/16; 3/12
Charged with: Disorderly conduct and trespassing; aggravated battery of a pregnant victim; petty theft; DUI and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon; battery
That is one crazy-ass starting five.
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.