Mugshots Friday: Hot Beefcake Edition
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series.
Mugshots Friday is often accused of featuring plenty of hottttttt chicks (seven "T"s, industry standard) but not enough hottttttt dudes. It's your week, ladies. Straight men, you might as well click out of your browser right now. To qualify for this special Beefcake Edition MF, our steamy perps had to a) have Jesus hair b) be naked c) be looking especially GQ or d) just have that certain je ne sais quoi to make our readers throw their panties at the computer screen. Take it away studs!
Charged with: Strongarm robbery, battery, liking to rescue animals too much
"I'm your starter beefcake. Let me set the music to 'sultry'. Anybody in the mood for some nag champa? I was just pouring myself a glass."
Charged with: Inciting a riot (in your pants)
"I'm 99-percent certain that you're the one for me. Girl, I want to occupy you."
Charged with: Disorderly conduct, breach of the peace, making a sinful asparagus souffle
"Hey, have you seen my shirt? It blew off with that strong gust. Why yes, I do practice 'muscle confusion' workouts, why do you ask?"
Charged with: Possession of a firearm by a convicted felon, cocaine possession, possession of a controlled substance, trespassing, being all about the foreplay
"I'm just in town for one night only, then the tour goes on its Canadian leg. But at least we'll have that one night. Hey, I wrote you a song about your smile."
Charged with: Burglary with assault, disorderly conduct, breach of the peace, excessive cute ukulele love song composing
"Come back behind the counter, girl, let me show you where we keep the warm baguettes. For a picnic. Really, I'm talking about bread."
Charged with: Loitering, prowling, emulating Josh Hartnett
"Oh this? Just threw it together. Oscar de la Renta's my third cousin, so I have a closet full of this stuff."
Charged with: Habitual driving while license is suspended, planning spur of the moment romantic trips to SoHo
"Hey, got any room for a low-rent Most Interesting Man in the World in this here line-up? No? Screw it, Deadliest Catch is on anyways."
Charged with: Disorderly conduct, breach of the peace, wearing spandex shirts while playing soccer
"I believe you've been looking for me?" [Al Green starts playing, fireworks explode, pan out to reveal we're in Seattle.]
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss Miami New Times' biggest stories.