Mugshots Friday: Angry Birds and the Queen of Swagger
Every Friday, Riptide brings you the most eye-catching mugshots taken the previous week (or thereabouts) in Miami-Dade County. Yes, there is some mockery of bad neck tattoos, but also adulation directed at perps who just plain look more badass than we ever will. This is the italicized intro to that series. For mugshots from Broward and Palm Beach, check out The Pulp.
Charged with: Driving with a suspended license
Don't worry about this guy. He's got some feathered friends on the outside who are going to bust him out of the joint in a jiffy. Unless they only brought those green toucans that boomerang a thousand miles into the sky before crashing into the ground about 400 feet shy of the building. Seriously, how do those birds plan on getting their eggs back using those stupid toucans? That's like bringing a Swiss Army knife to the Thunderdome.
Charged with: Panhandling
Either Danny Glover really let himself go, or this is some method acting research for a role in which he plays an alcoholic Santa Claus who learns the true meaning of Christmas by getting wasted with Rudolph.
Charged with: Trespassing
Let's be honest: If you were sharing a jail cell with this guy, and he came up to you making this face and asking you what that awful smell was, you'd pretend that you had farted even if you knew he was the one who ripped one, right? You'd probably go as far to shit yourself just for authenticity's sake.
Charged with: Driving with a suspended license, resisting arrest
"And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domains, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." This is a dedication to craft, though. There's no other way to explain a man who willingly chooses to get tattoos in the insides of both his ears.
Charged with: Petit theft
"Welcome to the town of Ball So Hard, weary traveler. I am Queen Swagger of the House No Fronting. Our motto is a simple yet forceful one: Swagger is coming. You would do well to heed these words."
Charged with: Burglary, grand theft
Make no mistake and don't switch up your channel. He's Buddy Rich when he flies off the handle. What could it be? Is it a mirage? You're scheming on a thing, it's sabotage. Or at least, one of the wigs from the "Sabotage" video.
Charged with: Loitering
The only thing this guy is guilty of is dropping the bass like a motherfucking champion, with an additional count of wub wub wub in the third degree.
Charged with: Disorderly conduct, resisting arrest
Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks a painter's mask can protect you from being on the receiving end of an almighty asswhupping: It, uh, can't.
Charged with: Armed robbery
Deep down, I really hope this guy can use his dreadcopter hairstyle to fly ala Mary Poppins with her umbrella.
Follow Miami New Times on Facebook and Twitter @MiamiNewTimes.
Get the Weekly Newsletter
Our weekly feature stories, movie reviews, calendar picks and more - minus the newsprint and sent directly to your inbox.